Today's show featured the greatest game show segment in the history of media: The I Want to Get My Grandpa Laid contest!
Two beautiful (legal) whores from Nevada's famous brothel The Bunny Ranch, stopped by to make one grandfathers dreams come true. Try and steal this one Jay Leno!
MEET THE BUNNY RANCH GIRLS
The unbelievably named Rain Riches and Caressa Kisses, both beautiful women of the night, spoke about their profession – Rain has worked at the ranch for three weeks, and Caressa is newly back to being a hired hand after taking a break to study surgical technology.
Why did Caressa return to the Bunny Ranch? It turns out hookers make more money than surgical technicians. Go figure.
It took longer than usual, but finally someone suggested that the girls strip down. Caressa got naked no problem while Rain felt more comfortable in her sexy lingerie.
Howard was curious if they would have any trouble being with one of our grandfathers (our youngest clocked in at 76) and like the saints they are they said not only did they not have a problem with it, they were looking forward to it!
So without furher ado, bring on the Grandpas!
CONTESTANT #1 - BILL
First up, he's eighty years old, a navy veteran, and he got the clap from a Filipina woman he met overseas... meet Bill!
Bill has a seventy-two year old chippy and he takes a half a Viagra to become the man she deserves. His erection varies in size, but one this is for sure: Bill is man of passion. His zest for life is so powerful that he has decided not to undergo chemotherapy for his cancer, wishing instead to live out his final days happy and feeling as good as he can.
He's was entered in the contest by his lovely granddaughter Lynn, who teared up while talking about her "PawPaw's" illness. That in turn got Robin Quivers and Caressa Kisses to cry. Who knew a game where we sent old men to whores would be such a tear jerker?!
CONTESTANT #2 - ALBERT
Next up, he's ninety-one years young, but successfully fooled his retirement community into thinking he was eighty, he can't even remember the last time he got a blow-job and he lost his hard-on about thirty years ago, it's Albert!
Albert lives in a community down in Florida, and though he tries to seduce some of the widows down there, he finds that the women seems to have forgotten how to please men and are downright prudes! Albert was insuiating that maybe he could get an erection if anyone actually played with his junk!
Albert spoke passoinatly about his desire to go down on a woman (the women he's been with consider that taboo), have a woman go down on him and actually experience a little foreplay. Believe it or not, this brough Rain Riches to tears, saying no man who wants to perform oral on a woman should be denied.
CONTESTANT #3 - JOHNNY
And Finally, he fantasizes about making love to a large-breasted African American woman (if we only knew one!), he hasn't been laid since his beloved wife passed away over a decade ago, and can still masturbate to completion, meet Johnny!
Johnny has been with about three women in his life, which makes it look like he was stepping out on his wife, but he wouldn't confirm it. Johnny would date more but his family keeps getting in the way of his social life - he's pretty wealthy and they're all concerned that women are only after him to steal away their inheritance.
Johnny was entered into the contest by his grandson Ed, who seemed almost jealous of his grandfather's popularity. Ed said his grandfather is such a party he's actually lost friends to him. Ed was hoping his grandfather would win this contest though because it's been 11 long years since Johnny last had sex.
Rain and Caressa both loved all the guys and were willing to please them all in any way they wanted.
While all three should definitely get laid, it was time for the tough decision.
Gary voted for Bill
Robin voted for Johnny
JD and Ronnie both vote for Albert
Fred voted for Johnny which left us in a tie.
Who would it be: Albert or Johnny? It all came down to Howard, who deliberated..then voted for Johnny.
But wait, there's more!
The great Dennis Hof, owner of the Bunny Ranch, came in and surprised all the Grandfathers by announcing that - though Johnny was the official winner - all three men were winners, and they'd all get laid! He'd fly each guy out to the Bunny Ranch for two days and treat them like kings.
Maybe Denis was in a good mood because he'd had a threesome with Rain and Caressa just last night, but who cares? These grandpas were getting laid!
As Dennis put it, he's "making America happy, one c*ck at a time."