She's the woman that women envy, and she's every man's fantasy. Tabloid fixture and Stern Show favorite Tan Mom stopped by this morning to celebrate her fifty-three days of sobriety with Howard and Robin.
Some listeners called up and demanded that Tan Mom start drinking again because she's only interesting when she's drunk. Tan Mom told everybody to "have a decaf and relax" and rose above the haters - Hater #1 being Back Door Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham.
Tan and Teen Mom were in rehab together in Florida recently and, according to Tan Mom, the younger mom was not so nice to her elder. First off, Tan Mom isn't one to judge, but she said that under no circumstances would she ever, ever appear in a porn film in any way, ever. Except, apparently, the time she did appear in a walk-on role (fully clothed and not knowing what the project was) in the gay porn "Kings of New York."
According to Tan Mom, Farrah was covertly snapping photos of her during their group therapy and the photos hit the press. Tan Mom said that Lindsay Lohan's dad Michael approached Farrah and asked for the photos before throwing the Teen Mom star out of the rehab.
Tan tried to get through a performance of her newest smash hit single "Life of the Party" but found it very difficult, proving that Tan Mom is Tan Mom whether she's sober or drunk. Sal Governale did his best to help the performance by painting his dick brown, putting shock of blond hair on top of it, and dancing around naked. "Tan Mom, meet Tan C*ck!"
The two tan parents performed a little "phone sex" for the audience's pleasure. Sal offered to "lick the chicken cutlet between your legs" and Tan Mom spoke of pouring oil on Sal's body and ass. Sal even got Tan Mom to flash him her nipple by telling her how perfect her breasts (and the rest of her body) were and protesting her decision to get a boob job.
"I'd wipe the tanning cream right off your face with my load," the Cassanova declared.
the phones light up
"Teen Mom," whose morning voice sounded a lot like Howard 100 News' Lisa G, called up and announced that their is only room for one mom in this world!
JD then called in from the back office and mumbled Anthony Weiner's texts to Sydney Leathers for Tan Mom. "I walk into a hotel and you're naked except for some f*ck me shoes. You look completely in charge."
Even Robin Quivers was inspired to get on the phone, which is curious because she has a microphone right in front of her. She called in to lend her voice to the protest of Tan Mom's boob job. "I love your tits! Forget about what size you are and dress those tits!"
An emotional, sober Tan Mom broke down at the end of her interview and said she wished people were nicer to each other. Sal comforted her, telling her it was going to be all right. Howard reminded Sal that there's a no insertion rule.
But then fun didn't end on the air...
During the break, Tan Mom started biting on Sal and touching his penis. Maybe there's a future for these two crazy married kids, but one this is certain: The future is bright for Tan Mom.