Michael Ian Black Hates People With Three Names

Comedian Michael Ian Black made his Stern Show debut this morning to promote his new NatGeo Show "Duck Quacks Don't Echo", which is sort of like a hip, funny "MythBusters." As an example, Michael tested and proved that cows with names produce more milk than cows that aren't given names. It's nothing mystical, it just turns out that farmers who name their cows tend to be more empathetic, thus the cows are more relaxed.

Howard is no fan of reading, but he actually bought Michael Ian Black's book My Custom Van and is enjoying it so far. Howard is still blown away by shopping on Amazon and how fast they can deliver a product. Michael suggested Howard try going to an actual store, where you can get something immediately.

Michael also wrote a memoir about his life called "Not Doing It Right," which is full of anecdotes and stories from his life, like the ones he talked about today.

Michael had an interesting childhood. His mother came out as a lesbian when he was five years old, and his parents divorced. His father was "livid" about his mother's sexual confusion, as she settled down with a "Billie Jean King -type" woman. The two women had a terrible relationship, according to Michael, and were verbally abusive to each other for 19 years.

Michael's mother's girlfriend's son was obsessed with the band Rush, and it blasted throughout the house when he was young. To combat the Canadian rock, Michael's brother would blast the Howard Stern Show, back in the WNBC days. Michael's brother was such a fan that he actually called up and played a round of "Not For Goyim Only" and won a coveted Cabbage Patch Kid from Howard.

He changed his name from Michael Schwartz to Michael Black because there was another performer with "Schwartz." Since his last name literally means "black," he kept the change simple. Then, when there was also another Michael Black, he added his middle name "Ian," though he admitted that he hates the pretentiousness of three-named people.

Michael has led a successful, but under-the-radar career in comedy. "Late Show" producer Rob Burnett liked him enough to consider as a replacement for Craig Kilborn on the "Late Late Show." Michael did a week of shows as an audition and it looked like he would get the part. Howard even announced on the radio that he had "inside information" that Michael Ian Black was going to get the "Late Late Show," but now admits that he just read it in the paper. Peter LaSally, the show's executive producer, even told Michael with a wink that's he'd better wait by his phone for the big call.

Michael did wait by the phone, while his wife packed up and prepared to move the family, but when he picked up, Rob Burnett bluntly told him he didn't get it. It was for the best, Michael reasoned, because he started to feel like he "bought a house [he] couldn't afford." Craig Ferguson ended up getting the show.

Speaking of Letterman, Michael has been on his show but admits that he hasn't been on in a while and supposed that they won't be asking him back on "The Late Show" due to a wild story he once told about an experience he had with Meghan McCain (yes, John McCain's daughter). Michael and Meghan wrote a book together and went on tour to promote it. They wound up at a seedy strip joint in Las Vegas, and Michael was "extremely uncomfortable being around naked ladies that [he's] not involved with," so she ordered him a lap dance as a goof. Michael then told, in detail, how a 45-year-old stripper put her head between his legs and her legs in a V-shape, with her crotch right in Michael's face. It was a move she called "Upside Down P*ssy." It wasn't a move Michael wanted to see "or smell, either." Rob Burnett called him later to inform him the story had been cut from the broadcast.

Michael was an early adapter to Twitter and one of the first comedians to start tweeting – which he credits for his nearly 2 million followers. He'll even respond if you attack him, as long as you do it creatively.