Staff Auditions for the Losers

Since Howard has picked up the guitar a few weeks ago, he decided to try to resurrect his legendary band The Losers, though probably with a different name.

Howard was the keyboardist in the original line-up, but he and Fred are both taking on the guitar for the new incarnation.

Richard Christy, one of the greatest drummers in the world, is officially replacing Scott Salem (who was formerly replaced by his intern) on the skins. Richard barely had to audition before Howard and Fred said 'You're in.'

Steve Brandano was next up on guitar, playing a song off one of Howard's favorite albums – 'Come Down in Time' from Elton John's Tumbleweed Connection. It didn't go so well. His voice and his playing wasn't up to 'Losers' level, so Howard bluntly broke the news that Steve didn't have what it took to join up. Steve blamed his performance on his nerves. Fred rated him a 7/10 and Howard gave him a 5/10. Howard said Steve was a 10 on screening phones though.

A name you probably don't know, Paul from the Tapes Team completely blew the crew away with his incredible rendition of Jimi Hendrix's 'The Wind Cries Mary.' He got perfect 10s from Robin and Howard and a 9/10 from Fred. 'This is the kind of sound I'm looking for,' Howard gushes.

Stern Show writer Sal Governale came in with his hood up to blast through Metallica, Jack Bruce and Ozzy Osbourne on bass. Surprisingly, he wasn't bad. Fred criticized his playing, claiming he played in three different keys, but he gave him an 8/10 (you figure Fred out). Robin rated him 5/10

Benjy's girlfriend Elisa Jordana stopped by to play her keyboard in the hopes of getting in and she did a very good job. After gushing about how hot she was, and wondering once again how Benjy got her, Howard asked about how their relationship was going. Elisa said Benjy is a good person, but he doesn't seem to treat her very well. Elisa said she wasn't in love with Benjy at the moment because things weren't going well. 'We have a lot of problems.'

The two have been fighting recently, and Elisa is looking for an end goal that Benjy isn't willing to commit to. Elisa even feel she isn't allowed to fart or shit when Benjy is around. 'I put the faucet and the shower on and that kind of masks it.'

Benjy is an odd guy. Even his love-making is weird. Elisa revealed that not only does he start pounding away too fast, but he used to actually bring up other girls while he was in bed with Elisa. He even would look for women for three-ways while they were at religious services. 'He wants a lot of sex and not necessarily with one person.'

Elisa even admitted that she doesn't orgasm during sex with Benjy, but she doesn't think any girl really 'finishes' during intercourse.

Anyway, Elisa played Howard's 'Silver Nickels and Golden Dimes' and earned herself a slot in the band through hotness and the way she tickles the ivories.

Lisa G, who may very well be the world's greatest violinist (who knows? She won't let anyone hear her play) came in to play guitar. She's already proven her artistic ability when she sketched the engagement ring Howard gave Beth, but now, like Howard before her, she picked up the guitar and decided to learn it. When Howard says 'jump', Lisa copies him and says 'jump'. Lisa got about two seconds into Blackbird before Howard commanded her to stop. 'Next!'

Jeremy from the Tapes Team brought his bass in to run through 'Message in a Bottle', hoping to wow Howard and beat out Sal Governale. Amazingly, Howard and Fred felt he wasn't necessarily much better than Sal, despite playing the bass since 1986.

Rich, who actually has been teaching Howard some guitar lately came in as one more guitarist vying for a spot. He rocked through 'Fat Bottomed Girls' and it was good, but Fred felt it wasn't the best song to really showcase what Rich could do. Rich then went into the title song from the Tom Hanks movie 'That Thing You Do.' Howard and Fred liked it, but it wasn't quite as good as Paul's playing.

Finally, Mike from the Tapes Team was last to go. If Lisa was the worst to audition, Mike was a very close second-to-last. He played and sang Paul McCartney's beautiful song 'Maybe I'm Amazed' and let's just say Paul McCartney had to cope with another tragedy this morning. Howard asked him to leave, but he insisted on playing two other songs, and it didn't get any better. Finally, forcefully, Howard implored Mike to leave the studio.

The end result was Richard Christy, Paul Grassini, and Elisa Jordana are now permanent members of The New Losers. Howard also told Benjy and his Shofar will have a place in the New Losers.

Around here, though, we're all pretty much losers.