Comedienne and late night host Chelsea Handler stopped by this morning to promote her new book and tour 'Uganda Be Kidding Me' and opened up about all the things that bother her.
And there are a lot of them!
Here are the highlights of Chelsea's talk with Howard:
WHAT CHELSEA DOESN'T LIKE:
The E! Network - Most surprisingly, Chelsea did not shy away from shitting all over her own network, E!
She called it 'a sad, sad place to live,' and admitted that her contract is coming up for renewal, and she may look for new home. When she got to E!, she felt it was a much funnier and cooler network, but , Chelsea say, it's gone way downhill.
'They don't know what they're doing [at E!]. They have no ideas. It's a failure.'
She's not thrilled with the idea of going to a major network either, because there are so many people to answer to and so many rules. She cited the ideal situation as something like Netflix where people can watch her show whenever they want.
A-Rod - New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez was another target for Chelsea's criticism. She is not a fan of him and he believes she is just being snarky and funny. So, Chelsea made it clear – in no uncertain terms – this morning that she really does not like him. He has a statue of himself as a centaur in his bedroom, which Chelsea pointed to as proof that he's a douche.
'I'm not flirting [with him]. I really think he's a pile of shit,' Chelsea said, hammering hoome her point.
Paris Hilton – 'She is so dumb I can't even look at her.'
Her Own Father – Even Mr. Handler, Chelsea's dad, got hit hard with Chelsea's blast of complaints. He's in an old-age home on her dime and first he wouldn't stop sexually harassing the nurses – specifically the black nurses.
He'd grab their breasts and asses, be forced to leave the home, and Chelsea would have to pay everybody off. So they got him into an all-male nursing home, except most of the male nurses were. Mr. Handler would berate them and throw around the 'F' word, so that didn't work out either. Chelsea had to find a white, all-male, straight, assisted living facility. 'It's like shopping for a KKK member.'
Her iPhone – Even something as fantastic as an iPhone gets under Chelsea's skin. She hates technology, so her staff has to help her use it, and it'd making her feel bad about her co-dependent life.
She opened her fridge one day and there were clear Tupperware containers filled with different kinds of fruit, and they were all labeled – explaining what each fruit was. 'At some point, two people had a conversation and said I don't think she knows what grapes are anymore.'
Censorship - Howard had heard that Comcast told Chelsea not to make any jokes about the Today Show or Matt Lauer on her show. Chelsea sais that was untrue, but she was recently asked to edit out a joke she made about Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars. The joke was that Ryan Seacrest is straight, but 'If you're a straight man covering the Oscars you need to get a d*ck in your ass.'
WHAT CHELSEA DOESN'T CARE ABOUT:
Marriage – Chelsea is content to have a few different irons in the fire and not commit to one guy. Chelsea admitted that she doesn't know how to be a girl. 'I have to travel the world to get penetrated.' She picks up dudes all over, and you can read about all about it any one of her many books.
Angelina Jolie – Chelsea used to goof on Angelina, but she tried to tone it down once she became friends with Jennifer Aniston. She didn't want the press to think she was somehow speaking for Jennifer. 'I don't give a shit about Angelina Jolie,' she said.
Though she did Tweet a joke about Angelina trying to adopt Lupita Nyong'o and the comment was labeled racist. Howard, Robin and Chelsea all found the racism allegations ridiculous. 'It was pretty clearly a joke.'
Madonna – Chelsea went to Madonna's Oscars party and really couldn't care less about the pop icon. She slammed vodkas and danced until 5:30 in the morning with the likes of Mary McCormack and Orlando Bloom. 'I don't care about meeting Madonna, do you?' Actually, Howard would probably like to meet Madonna.
WHAT CHELSEA LIKES:
Her friends – Like Gwyneth Paltrow, Whitney Cummings, Jennifer Aniston, Mary McCormack, Sandra Bullock, and others, She admitted to becoming friends with 20% of the people who come on her show.
Partying – Chelsea has realized that she needs to have fun and get wasted in order to stay sane. She can't do as many drugs now that she's 39, but she'll still drink - like the above-mentioned Madonna party where she stayed out until 5:30AM and had to be on the air at 2PM - or taking two Quaaludes at a party at Jane Fonda's house. Chelsea likes to party.
Her boobs – Chelsea is proud of her boobs and is not shy about showing them off. She recently went topless around her friends when she was wimming and said she'd even do it if Howard were around. Mary McCormack told her that she ought to consider a breast-reduction, but once she saw Chelsea topless, she said her boobs were awesome and took it all back.