Evil Dave Breaks His Silence

Ever since he announced his retirement, people have many questions for David Letterman, and thankfully, Evil Dave Letterman called in and, as usual, didn't hold back.

Howard asked Evil Dave a few key questions and he had some answers:

Dave, why are you retiring?

People have been asking me, "Why are you retiring? You're at the top of your game." And I tell them, "I know, I know. But what I really want to do is punch up comedy scripts in Hollywood."

Dave how will you feel when you tape your final Late Show episode?

It's bitter sweet, the sweet part is leaving and the bitter part is the taste of Paul Shaffer's loads.

Dave, who do you think should replace you?

Lots of people are saying we should give the job to a woman, but that's a slippery slope…next thing you know they'll want to drive or vote. Who needs that hassle?

Dave, what will you do after you retire?

I need more time to follow Kim Kardashian on Instagram. I love that big jiggly ass. I'd like to bend her over and whip her cheeks with a curtain rod.

Also, I'm here to announce I'm launching the David Letterman Channel on SiriusXM. It's 24 hours of Justin Bieber pissing into a bucket. Trust me, the kids will love it!

And what else is on your mind, Dave?

They better get that ObamaCare site fixed before 2015…if you think I'm going out-of-pocket for my boner pills, you're f*cking crazy.