High Register Sean Weighs in on Conspiracy Theories Ranging From Reptilian Pop Stars to Brent Hatley’s Recent Headaches

“They’re cannibals more than they are vampires,” the Wack Packer says of the British royal family

January 14, 2020
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

High Register Sean called into the Stern Show on Tuesday and the recent Hollyweird Squares participant shared his thoughts on a great many conspiracy theories, from the dangers of 5G cell networks to how the British royal family manages to stay looking so youthful.

Check out what the Wack Packer had to say on each subject (below).

On Iran

“What is your theory on Iran?” Howard asked Sean on Tuesday.

Sean started rambling about a government-manufactured “high-frequency weather control device,” but his inability to maintain focused left Howard’s mind wandering.

“I’ve already zoned out,” Howard laughed halfway through Sean’s explanation.

Stern Show Staffer and apparent High Register Sean-whisperer Shuli Egar chimed in trying to translate. “He’s saying there’s a weapon that we have … that we can control the weather and that the Iran incident was all a cover-up,” Shuli interpreted. “So we can use a weather gun and create an earthquake there.”

5G Networks

Not all of Sean’s wild conspiracy theories were impossible for Howard to believe, including his fears about what 5G cellular networks might be doing to the world.

“Literal credited doctors online talking about the 5G system and how in one aspect it’s going to be killing off wildlife … bees and butterflies and birds and bats and things,” High Register said.

“Hey, I might agree with you on that. Do you see all those bees that are dying?” Howard responded before giving his thoughts on the radical changes the world should make if it hopes to save the environment for future generations.

Stern Show executive producer Gary Dell’Abate grew skeptical of High Register Sean’s hot takes. “Where are you getting all these sources from?” he asked.

“I’ve got many people,” the Wack Packer responded coyly.

On “Frozen”

Not all of Sean’s theories were matters of life or death. One involved the animated film franchise “Frozen” and a not-quite-animated, cryogenically frozen head.

“Did you know that Disney released the movie ‘Frozen’ so that Walt Disney’s frozen head wouldn’t be the top search on Google?” the Wack Packer told Howard to a chorus of laughs from the studio.

On Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney, and Ray Charles

Howard asked Sean if the rumors were true that Sir Paul McCartney had actually died a long time ago in a car accident.

“Of course. If you look at his ears in photos from like the ‘50s … to the later, uh, ‘60s, his earlobes changed miraculously,” Sean said, adding, “They actually grew smaller and they changed shape.”

The Wack Packer also offered his thoughts on two prolific blind musicians. “Stevie Wonder isn’t even a real person,” he said. “He’s a product of the music industry. There was a concerted effort years ago to make blindness an acceptable disability.”

Howard was confused. “The guy I met in my studio, was that Stevie Wonder?”

“No, I mean, he’s a person,” High Register Sean backtracked. “He’s not blind. He’s been replaced over the years.”

“What about Ray Charles?” Howard’s co-host Robin Quivers asked.

“He didn’t have the same breakthrough, worldwide success at the beginning …” Sean said.

On Elvis, Tupac, and Biggie Smalls

“Is Elvis still alive?” Howard asked.

“No,” Sean said. “I’m not saying that he died the way they said he did, I’m just saying that he’s not alive any longer,” he explained.

“Is Tupac still alive?” Shuli wondered.

“Yes,” Sean responded. “He’s actually afraid of being shot, so he staged being shot … to make all his enemies, you know, lay off.”

“Is Biggie alive or dead?” Robin asked.

“Biggie is dead,” Sean said.

On Stonehenge

“Was Stonehenge built by aliens?” Howard asked.

“Yes, so was the pyramids,” Sean responded.

On Brent Hatley’s Headaches

Sean is apparently convinced staffer Brent Hatley is an android, which left his colleague JD Harmeyer with a pressing question. “Can he explain why Brent’s head aches?” JD asked.

“Because he’s an older model … his processor is overheating,” Sean said.

“That’s ageism,” Brent laughed.

Sean had thoughts on Brent’s wife Katelyn Hatley, too. He said she is a real human who enjoys swinging because it’s a change for her to be intimate with other real humans. “She is the caretaker they assigned to him,” High Register said.

On Avril Lavigne

High Register Sean said he believed Canadian pop star Avril Lavigne had been replaced by a clone named Melissa, and the staff was curious what gave it away.

“It’s not her ears,” Sean said. “It’s the size of her hands over the years, and the way she held microphones changed.”

On Britain’s Royal Family

“Is Prince Charles a vampire?” Gary asked Sean.

“Oh my God, the whole royal family—if you’re wondering why the queen is doing so well at such an older age, they do feast on human body parts. They’re cannibals more than they are vampires,” he responded, adding, “The police have found human remains in their fridges.”

Robin wondered if the late Princess Diana was a cannibal, too. “She tried it and she didn’t like it,” Sean said.

On President Obama

At one point, High Register Sean was asked if President Obama controlled the weather.

“Currently, no,” Sean said, though he believes the former president used to have his “thumb prints all over it.”

On the Moon

“Is the moon real?” Gary asked.

“That’s a tough one,” Sean said, explaining the answer would depend on whether or not the Earth was round—something he’s not quite certain of. “If the Earth is flat, then it’s a projection,” he continued. No matter the shape of the moon, Sean is certain the moon landing was faked.

On Lyme Disease

“You know Lyme disease was created on Long Island, right?” Sean offered at one point. “There’s an animal testing facility by the government. That’s where they created the dog men.”

On Fred Norris

“Do you think Fred Norris is human?” Howard asked of his longtime sound effects extraordinaire.

“Uh, I don’t know,” Sean said.

“Yeah, me neither,” Howard laughed.

On Gay Fish

“Is the government making gay fish?” Howard asked.

“No,” Sean said. “There’s no need for that.”

On Justin Bieber

Pop star Justin Bieber seemed to be the one subject High Register was hesitant to discuss.

“Is Justin Bieber a reptile?” Howard asked.

“I can’t say anything about that,” Sean said cryptically, adding he’d be more likely to discuss the matter offline and in a secure room.

The staff was curious what possible reason Sean might have to stay mum on such a seemingly innocuous conspiracy theory. Howard wondered if a reptilian overlord was holding Sean hostage at home.

“No, I’m at work right now,” High Register Sean said.

“How high up in the power structure are the reptilians, Sean?” Shuli later asked.

“I’m bailing out on this,” Sean said, getting quite flummoxed. “There are certain sensitive situations that I can’t discuss,” he continued, saying he was also disinclined to discuss shapeshifters and the 2014 NFL “Deflategate” scandal.

Everyone was curious what High Register Sean thought would happen if he spilled his secrets on reptilians. “It’s one of two scenarios,” Sean said. “Neither of them end well for me.”