As the Stern Show returned to some normalcy on Monday thanks in part to Beth Stern’s meticulous cleaning of Howard’s new broadcasting equipment, attention turned to how the Wack Pack has been handling the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. “Every one of them knows about the coronavirus?” co-host Robin Quivers wondered out loud on Monday.
Continue reading for an update on how various Wack Pack members have been coping during these uncertain times.
High Pitch Erik
“I use hand sanitizer after I open the doors,” High Pitch Erik explained of the precautions he’s taking to stay safe and germ-free. Surprising though it may be considering his documented weight struggles, the Wack Packer said he's now even eating right, too. “Milk, juice, water, coffee, healthy food, and salads and fruits, protein shakes, yogurts, and stuff like that,” he said describing the current contents of his refrigerator.
Howard was dubious. “You know he’s not buying fruits and healthy foods,” he said.
“That fridge is stocked with soda,” Robin suggested. “He’s lying.”
Regardless of his diet, High Pitch Erik offered a message of hope to the world in a video he recorded while sitting inside of his truck (above). “You’re not alone, I’m not alone,” he proclaimed. “We’re all in this together to the very end.”
Fred the Elephant Boy
Meanwhile, High Pitch’s old nemesis Fred the Elephant Boy, still employed at a government mailroom, focused on the importance of staying inside. “Try to find new interests to do at home,” Fred implored. “Don’t out go out to mingle. It’s not the time or place for it. Jeff the Drunk can’t go out to bars.”
High Register Sean
High Register Sean, known for propagating many conspiracy theories, was able to articulate his thoughts on COVID-19. “It was a bioweapon that was created by the Chinese government for use against the United States and its allies,” Sean suggested. “China obviously was the epicenter of this pandemic.”
Sean is most concerned about bubble-wrapped packages coming in from China. “That air inside of those bubbles is Chinese air. I’m more scared of that,” the Wack Packer explained.
While he had some difficulties with the recent movement to take Twitter followers away from him, frequent caller Bobo seems to be secure in his handling of the outbreak. “Way I’m doing it is I have cases of water that I’m harboring down in my house and my garage,” he detailed. “I’m using like a mesh cloth and I’ve been putting that around my face when I’m out.”
“He means he’s hoarding the water,” Robin interpreted for Bobo.
“Maybe he has a whole harbor of water,” Howard joked.
“Underdog seems to be taking everything in stride,” Howard said of Suzanne Muldowney. “She’s laid back about the coronavirus but she was super concerned about Shuli’s voicemail messages.”
“Whenever I’ve dialed your cell number and your voicemail takes over, it says the exact same text verbatim as your office voicemail does,” Underdog said to Stern Show staffer Shuli Egar over the phone.
Told that Shuli didn’t want to call her too late in the evening, Suzanne assured him it was no bother. “I’m up until 11 … some PBS educational programs for children are shown at those hours,” she said.
Wack Packer Medicated Pete has been trying to stay as active as possible. “I’m walking every day, just around the neighborhood,” Pete told staffer Sal Governale.
As far as physical interactions, he’s kept them limited but has yet to cut them out completely. “I’m doing the old elbow,” he admitted.
Mark the Bagger
Another Wack Packer who has taken to walking is Mark the Bagger, who is doing the activity in lieu of masturbation while he stays on his father’s farm in the Poconos. “Instead of jerking off I like to walk around,” he stated. “I walk up the hill, walk around the yard. It’s been a week since I’ve jerked off and I really miss it. I can’t wait to jerk off again.”
Since Tan Mom was unavailable for comment, the Wack Packer's music partner Adam Barta gave an update on her behalf. “She’s creating a tanning salon in her backyard to get her through the quarantine,” Howard noted. “Right now, it’s only a patio chair, her tanning gun, and a bunch of lotions and oils.”
Wendy the Slow Adult
Thanks to Stern Show staffer Jason Kaplan, who paid the Wack Packer a visit last summer at a Florida rehab facility where she was recovering from a leg injury, there was also an update on Wendy the Slow Adult.
“I have been most worried about Wendy,” Robin admitted to Howard.
“Her mom has been giving her sponge baths and soaking her feet,” he told his co-host. “She’s gotta get out of the house.”
After hearing what everyone has been up to, Howard had some heartfelt closing words. “I hope they stay safe, we cannot afford to lose any Wack Packers,” he said.