Big Dreams for Eric the Midget

January 19, 2005
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Eric the Midget, who recently swore he’d never do our show again, called in today because Howard told him we had a big surprise for him. Eric had mentioned before that he loves the NBC show, “American Dreams” and really wanted to be on it, so Howard had the show’s executive producer, Jonathan Prince, call in to talk to Eric. However, before Howard would put Eric through, he wanted Eric to apologize to him for thinking Howard was a bad guy. Eric quickly apologized and Howard put Jonathan on. Jonathan said Eric had been trying to contact him at his office, but Jonathan didn’t want to do anything without first going through Howard. Jonathan said they do want to put Eric in an episode and have to figure out how to incorporate him into a show that currently takes place in 1966. Howard suggested they make Eric an alien in an episode, but Eric said he wouldn’t play that part. Eric said he envisioned himself more as a Vietnam protestor, which Jonathan seemed to like. Howard wanted Jonathan to run some lines with Eric, but he didn’t have any prepared, so he told Eric that the scene would involve him being angry that his brother was killed in Vietnam. Howard started coming up with lines for Eric to say, but Eric refused to say most of them. Howard told him to say, “My brother was killed in Vietnam and now I can’t reach the milk.” Eric declined to do that line. He also refused to say, “My brother was in Vietnam and I pleasure myself to Kelly Clarkson” and “My brother got the CLAP from an Asian whore.” Howard was upset by Eric’s lack of enthusiasm for this big opportunity, but Eric swore he was grateful for the chance. Howard then acted as Eric’s agent securing some guarantees from Prince. Howard said Eric needs to have at least five lines of dialogue so we’re not wasting his time. He also needs $3000 a day, plus two first class plane tickets and hotel accommodations while he’s shooting in LA. Prince said he’ll have to look into it, but it shouldn’t be a problem. The guys then went back to trying to come up with a good role for Eric. Artie suggested he could play some Marine’s helmet. A caller suggested he could be a talking ottoman. Howard finished the interview by making Prince promise to credit Eric as “Eric the Midget” in the credits.