James Woods Kicks Off the Birthday Hour With Non-Stop Talk

Actor James Woods surprised Howard by calling in to wish him a happy birthday. Howard is a big fan of James’ and said that he loves that no matter how old James gets he still dates really young chicks. Howard said that James is responsible for one of the best quotes of all time. Someone once asked James why he keeps dating such young women and James replied that nobody buys a dog, everyone buys puppies. James said that was an off the cuff remark that a lot of people took offense too, but it’s true!

James also talked about how he saw and tried to turn in several of the 9/11 suicide bombers about six weeks before 9/11 but the FAA refused to investigate them. James was on a cross country flight and saw a few Arab dudes acting suspicious. He noticed that they didn’t have any luggage and seemed more interested in casing the plane than anything else. He told that to a flight attendant who agreed and then told the same thing to the co-pilot. The co-pilot filed a report with the FAA but the FAA refused to investigate it because they felt it was racial profiling. Two of the guys James saw that day did indeed take part in the 9/11 attacks and James then worked with the FBI to identify them. James also told Howard about how he almost died from a heart attack recently. The doctors discovered that his arteries were 90% blocked and he had to have surgery. He blamed smoking for the problem and has now quit smoking.

Howard kept trying to ask James other questions and tell him about how Danny Sugarman just died of lung cancer but James kept talking a mile a minute. Howard kept yelling “James! James!” but James kept talking like he couldn’t even hear him. Artie said he ran into James once back in 1996. James was at a party with Nicolette Sheridan and Artie said her ass looked so hot in the blue pants she was wearing they actually followed her around the party staring at it. Artie and his buddy thought Woods was the absolute man for being with her. James agreed and said that Sheridan’s ass belongs in the Smithsonian. He also said that Howard is way off base when he says Sheridan hit the wall and said she’s just as hot now as she ever was.

George Takei Calls In

After James’ call, Howard took a surprise call from none other than Mr. Sulu himself, George Takei!

Takei wished Howard a happy birthday and said that he had been waiting for a special occasion like this to call in. Howard asked Takei what he was up to so George told about how he is working on a task force set up by Congress to help implement a new TV rating system. Howard had no idea why Takei would be doing something like that and asked him if he was a scientist or something? Takei said he wasn’t and never fully explained why he was chosen for this panel or exactly what he does on it. Artie joked that after this commission he’s going to go run a Star Trek hayride. Takei congratulated Howard multiple times on his move to SIRIUS and said he’s really happy that Howard is fighting back against the FCC. Takei said that is what this country is all about. Howard asked George if he felt bad for the stars of William Shatner’s new show, “Boston Legal,” for having to work with Shatner. George started to say that he hoped Shatner had learned from his past mistakes but Howard cut him off to say that, reportedly, people on the set are already complaining about Shatner’s antics. Takei guessed that Bill is just being Bill then and nothing has changed. Takei said he doesn’t hate Shatner, and he admires him as an actor, but he just didn’t like working with him. Before Takei got off the phone he corrected the way Howard and everyone else pronounced his name. He said his name is pronounced “Tah-Kay” and not “Tah-Kye”. He said the latter pronunciation meant expensive in Japanese. He also complained that journalists are not pronouncing the “T” in “Tsunami” and that also bothers him. Howard had to get off the phone though because there was another surprise caller on the phone.

Rebecca from ‘Full House’

Howard picked up the next line and heard a woman singing “Happy Birthday” to him. Howard couldn’t place who it was right away, despite the clue she gave him by saying she is his west-coast girlfriend. It turned out to be Rebecca Romijn Stamos and after she wished him a happy birthday Howard started grilling her about why she was with actor Jerry O’Connell. Rebecca said she is dating him but denied the reports that she moved in with him. She also denied the reports that Jerry had been calling his ex-girlfriend trying to get her back. Howard wanted to know how she could leave a John Stamos for a Jerry O’Connell but Rebecca said that was not the case. She said she dated a few people before Jerry and now is with him in a serious relationship. She said that Jerry is great and Howard should stop down playing him. Howard kept telling her that she shouldn’t get bogged down in a serious relationship and that she should be playing the field more. Rebecca said she didn’t’ want to play the field and was really happy in her relationship.

Howard said that he thinks dating Rebecca is a great career move for Jerry but not so much for Rebecca. Rebecca sounded like she was getting upset by Howard’s line of questioning and offered to put Jerry on the phone. Howard asked Jerry if Rebecca was the best sex he ever had but Jerry wouldn’t answer. Howard then told him that he better keep Rebecca entertained because she gets bored easily. He told Jerry that if he plays his cards right he could probably get Rebecca to do chicks in front of him. Howard then started to go down a list of chicks Jerry supposedly has been with which included Sarah Michelle Gellar. Howard asked Jerry if Rebecca was a 10 in bed and Jerry joked that they’re waiting for marriage to have sex. Howard asked if Jerry would marry Rebecca and he kind of made it sound like he would?if she wanted to.

Jerry O’Connell put Rebecca Romijn Stamos back on the phone and Howard told her how Jerry said he’d marry her. Rebecca said that she and Jerry weren’t anywhere close to marriage. Howard said that was good because Rebecca wasn’t a good wife. He said what he meant was that she was a free spirit and very into herself and doesn’t give her man the type of attention he needs. Robin wondered why, just because you’re married, you have to give your husband tons of attention. Howard said that a guy needs a girl to be subservient to him now and then, especially in marriage. Both Robin and Rebecca seemed to take offense to that. He asked Rebecca who was better in bed – Jerry or John Stamos? Rebecca wouldn’t answer. Howard then said he bet Rebecca had sex with Jerry on their first date but Rebecca denied that.

Howard said that he knows he wouldn’t last two minutes in bed with Rebecca and he certainly knows he couldn’t last in a relationship with her. He said that her life is a whirlwind and she is just too much to handle. She’d be great for a night but there is no way he could keep up with her any longer than that. Howard tried to get Rebecca to make out with Beth for his birthday but Rebecca said she wasn’t into girls. She said she might consider it if she was in NY, but she’s not so she can’t.

Howard’s Parents Call

Howard parents called in to wish him a happy birthday.

Howard’s dad, Ben Stern, said that on the day Howard was born it was snowing like crazy outside. Ben recalled that, when Howard was born, he waited in the hospital’s waiting room for 27 hours for news of Howard’s birth.

Howard’s mom thought he had left and gone to work but Ben said that everyone forgot he was there. Eventually a doctor told him he had a son and he was so excited he opened up a window and announced the news to the world.

Howard joked that that was the last time his dad was proud of him. Mr. Stern said he rushed right up to the delivery room to make sure that Howard’s mom didn’t name him Harvey like she wanted too. Howard thanked his dad profusely for that.

Howard’s mom, Ray Stern, then got on the phone to wish her son a happy birthday. Howard complained that his mom never breast fed him. Howard then asked his mom to go into intimate details about the night he was conceived but she refused to say anything other than he was a planned pregnancy.

Howard started doing an imitation of his dad telling his mom to get ready for a baby. Howard wanted to know what position his parents were in when they were conceived but Mrs. Stern wouldn’t say. Howard said he conceived all his kids in the doggy style position.

Howard then reminded his mom that she thought his penis was very small when he was born, but Mrs. Stern said she didn’t remember saying that. Howard started hounding her about it and she said that she didn’t call in to talk about his penis and that it was time for her to get off the phone.