Show Rundown: March 11, 2005
9 Million Ralph Hates Can’t Be Wrong
Beetlejuice the Boxer Fights the Toad
Stamos is Cool with Jerry O’Connell
Battle for the Worst of the Worst
Battle for the Worst of the Worst
Five aspiring comedians came in today to play what they believed was a contest to see which one of them was the best comic of the group. What they didn’t know however was that Howard was really looking for the worst comic of them all and they were all actually playing the game “Worst Comic Sitting.” Each contestant had 90 seconds to perform their act. Howard informed the audience of all this while the comics were sequestered in a room at the radio station. He asked the audience to go vote for the comic they thought was the worst on Howardstern.com. Then he brought in each contestant one by one.
The Ice Man Cometh
First up was a comedian who calls himself the “Ice Man” because he says he looks a lot like Andrew Dice Clay. His act didn’t draw any laughter, and he really bombed with his first joke after no one realized the punch line was actually the punch line.
Long time guest Vinnie Mazzeo was up next. His act had something to do with Michael Jackson’s chimp, Bubbles, being questioned on the witness stand and Vinnie did a lot of hooting and hollering like a chimp. Everyone in the studio was laughing pretty hard at it but unfortunately the act was very visual so no one listening really got what was going on. Howard tried to explain that Vinnie was doing something to a champagne bottle but that didn’t help much. Artie said Vinnie’s poor planning should cost him some points.
Kenneth Keith Kallenbach
Another frequent guest on the show, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, performed next. Kenneth Keith was on the show a few months ago to debut his stand up act and everyone thought that if he gave a repeat performance of that, Kenneth would probably win the contest. But Kenneth came out with a new act of rapid-fire one-liners. A lot of them stunk but a few of them were pretty funny and elicited a lot of laughter. One of the jokes that went over well was “Why did the gay guy get fired from his job at the sperm bank? For drinking on the job.”
Next up was New York Mets fan Johnny McCarthy. He was the first guy to be prosecuted under the Calvin Klein law that was set up to keep fans off the playing field at sporting events. Johnny ended up doing some time at Rikers Island but only on weekends. After his jail term was over he decided he wanted to get into stand up and that’s why he was here today. He went into an act that Artie later described as the longest 90 seconds of his life.
Lisa “Miss Funny Bones” Heughan
Lisa Heughan, the blind playmate, was the last comic to go. She started cursing so the delay button was probably hit a couple times and Howard had to tell her to knock it off. She was screaming out her jokes really loud and like Kenneth Keith, was doing a lot of one-liners. She got some laughs and then Howard had to break, promising the results of the contest when he got back.
And the Winner Is …
Howard brought in all five contestants to read the results. He started off by telling them all the true nature of the contest. At first they were each saying they thought they won but then Howard told them he was looking for the worst of the group, not the best. Amazingly, after he said that, almost everyone still believed they won. Howard had Kenneth Keith step forward and told him that he both won and lost. He won because he received the fewest amount of votes meaning he was the best of the group but that also meant he lost out on the $5000 grand prize. Coming in second to last (2nd best comic) was Vinnie Mazzeo, who was shocked because he usually bombs so bad when he’s here. Lisa was third to last, leaving Johnny McCarthy and the Ice Man as the top two contenders for Worst Comic Sitting. It turns out that the winner was?The Ice Man, who gathered 43% of the vote, meaning almost half the audience voted for him as the Worst Comic Sitting. The Ice Man gladly accepted the $5,000 check prize from Stern show sponsor Etel Charge and said that since he won this contest he’d seriously consider putting an end to his stand up career. Howard thanked everyone for participating and distributed some parting prizes.