Artie recalled he had "a nice flight" to Las Vegas on Thursday night, where he landed at midnight. Artie then said he had "a very fun, American weekend," even though his hotel suite didn't have a wading pool as he was told it would have.
Artie went on to say he did four sold-out shows at the Luxor over the weekend, and that he asked some of his friends to perform with him as well. Artie added the woman he planned on sleeping with came backstage following one of his shows, and that he thought she was "hot." Artie next commented he spotted another woman – who he claimed was "an 11" – in the front row during one of his performances, and that he grabbed her onstage with him, but quickly found out she was at the show with her fiancé. Artie went on to say there were so many women backstage after his first show that it would've seemed like he "had a lot going on" to a bystander.
Artie then acknowledged Dan the Song Parody Man was the one who arranged for the first woman to be with Artie, adding Dan told her that Artie was busy and that she should stick with him until everyone left and he would "deliver" her to Artie's hotel room after his last show. Howard responded by pointing out he felt Artie would've spent the night "romancing" the woman if Dan hadn't acted on his behalf, so he was glad Dan had "taken care of that" for him.
How the Other Half Lives
Artie reported a woman he met in Las Vegas years ago contacted him Friday night, which was the first time he was ever on the receiving end of "a booty call." Because this woman agreed to meet Artie in his hotel room after she was done stripping at 3 a.m., Artie said he asked Dan if the other woman would come over to his room on Saturday night instead, but she couldn't.
Artie added the stripper showed up at his hotel room at 3:30 a.m., and she immediately gave him a lap dance. Artie then commented he and the woman "banged until 6 a.m.," and that "many rubbers" were used throughout the morning.
When Howard asked if the woman saw Artie naked, he admitted she did, but that he didn't care seeing how good he was feeling. Artie went on to describe how the woman woke him up at 2 p.m. on Saturday with oral sex, and that he was still able to finish, despite all the sex they'd had the night before.
Artie added that he let the woman order breakfast, which he acknowledged was a mistake because all she got was coffee, juice and fruit.
Artie then said he asked the woman to come back to his suite later that night, but that she didn't because she was working. After hearing the story, Howard asked Artie if he was concerned about getting herpes following the oral sex, and he admitted there was a chance, but that he could also get "hit by a bus" as well, which wouldn't feel as good as what the woman did to him.
Keep the News from Mom
Dan the Song Parody Man got on the line to describe the stripper as, "Miss Howard Stern with a tighter body," adding that he was able to go to Las Vegas because one of his business associates from the Hard Rock Café flew him out there.
Dan then commented the woman he tried to arrange for Artie to sleep with was "hot, but not as hot" as the stripper, who he described as "amazingly hot."
Although Artie claimed he could date a stripper, he acknowledged he'd have to advise the woman to keep her profession a secret if she were to ever meet his mother.
Artie also commented he ran into Jamie-Lynn DiScala, who plays Meadow Soprano at a club, and described her as "smoking hot."
Artie then acknowledged the highlight of his weekend was when "a midget" at the club got so drunk he threw up in an ice bucket.