Howard started the show reporting that Gary had three Crumbs' black and white cookies on his desk before 6am. Artie replied that a few people on the staff have mocked the Crumbs cupcake he designed, citing Scott DePace as one example. Artie added that he was already "a Frappucino deep" this morning, and there was no telling how many cupcakes he might eat.
Artie then confessed that his driver always has his Frappucino ready in the morning. Artie told the crew that he tried to take a nap yesterday, but ended up sleeping until 4am. Artie speculated that he might be able to sleep from the end of the show Thursday until Saturday afternoon. Jason brought in the Artie Lange breakfast special (a bagel with extra butter, a Hawaiian punch, and cup of ice), and Artie said he now has to butter the bagel himself because Jews and Italians (who supposedly know how to butter bagel properly) no longer run the majority of delis in New York.
Howard calculated Artie's calorie count so far this morning; 420 calories for a Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, 180 for the Hawaiian Punch, 495 for the bagel with extra butter, and at least 300 for the fist-sized Crumbs cupcake.
Even Artie was surprised that he'd already had 1500 calories at 6:30 in the morning. Artie revealed that he was so out of control, he had french toast for lunch the other day because he "had a craving."