Gary the Retard called in to say that Richard was trying to get a hold of him, so Artie claimed no one was ever trying to get a hold of him. When questioned, Gary denied that ever jerked off, so Howard asked Gary if someone told him that it was bad to touch yourself, and Gary said yes. Howard told Gary that it was OK to masturbate, so Gary admitted that he did. Gary said he masturbated into his underwear, and confessed that he keeps them on afterward. Howard asked why Gary wouldn't masturbate into a tissue, so Gary claimed that no one ever teaches him anything. Gary explained that he masturbated into his underwear, washes his hands, and then goes to sleep in the same underwear. Howard speculated that going to sleep must be sticky and uncomfortable, and Gary admitted that it was. Howard told Gary to try masturbating into a tissue and call in tomorrow with the results. Gary said he would do that.