A Murderer Comes Out of the Closet

March 4, 2008

A guy named “Uncle Mike” called in to say he wanted to “come out of the closet” as a murderer, explaining how he hijacked a cab and killed the driver years ago. “Uncle Mike” said his initial motive was to prevent the driver from identifying him, but now he wants to help people by discussing the life-ruining effects of committing the murder that landed him in prison for seventeen years; “It’s dawned on me that I not only took someone’s father, I took someone’s grandparent.”

Howard asked “Uncle Mike” if he was raped in prison, but Mike claimed he held on to his anal virginity – though he was once received an “accidental” blowjob. Mike then told the crew he preferred the female prostitutes that serviced prisoners his jail; $400 got him a pretty girl in the laundry room. Robin wondered if Mike was on any medication to prevent his murderous rages, but Mike said he went off his meds to “flush” his system.

Mike revealed that he’d recently kicked off a career as a stand-up comedian, saying he “absolutely” stayed away from his past in his comedy. Howard and some of the callers had a problem with Mike’s short jail term, and even Mike agreed, admitting he probably deserved the death penalty. Mike confessed that he now makes a good living as an “IT guy” and warned the audience about other (soon to be ex-) cons; “About 90% of ’em are coming back out.