John the Stutterer’s Life is a ‘Hellhole Abyss’

May 6, 2009
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

John the Stutterer stopped by to talk about how he recently had to move back in with his parents after the rent of his “one-room efficiency” in Philly’s Rittenhouse Square was raised $200: “Much like the wars in Afganistan and Iraq, my life is a hellhole abyss from which there is no escape.”

The Stutterer Phrase Game

Howard told John he could earn some money playing a round of The Stuttered Phrase Game – and then went to Gary, who was live on the street with a microphone. Howard gave John a list of phrases and explained that – within 15 seconds – John must both: 1- read the phrase, and 2- get a person on the street to understand what he’s saying. After a series of rejections, the fifth person Gary approached agreed to participate, and nailed – without difficulty – the first phrase, as John nailed it himself: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The second pass (“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”) also went without a hitch.

John Wants to What?

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Artie suggested the next phrase (“To all the whores in Philly: Die, die, you miserable sluts.”) but John couldn’t get it out in 15 seconds – he added several phrases and words, including several “sluts” and, most hilariously, “who ridicule and reject me.” John then noted that he liked most women – he just hated the ones “who won’t let me lick and suck their beautiful c’s and assholes.” Howard was repulsed: “By the way…It’s disgusting when you say that.”

A Stutter-Off Could Kill Him

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

John the Stutterer then faced off with Sean the Stutterer in a heated, stutter-filled political discussion, one that was hilarious as it was impossible to transcribe. Howard, Ralph and several others declared that John and Sean’s dialogue must be repeated on John’s weekly political talk show, but John refused: “I gotta watch my blood pressure…it’s not good for my health.” John explained that he was on Lexapro and a few other medications to manage his blood pressure, acid reflex and hernia.

His Resolution: More Licking and Sucking

John told the crew he was failing to fulfill his New Year’s resolution (“To suck all the juices from as many c’s and assholes as possible.”) this year: “I failed…they say they’re very complimented, but refuse.” Artie laughed that John’s dreams sounded like nightmares, and Howard agreed, telling John: “Can I give you some advice? When you get into this stuff with the girls, it makes you seem deranged.”

John also admitted he couldn’t make rent on his old apartment because he spent so much money on whores. He listed cunnilingus, anilingus and blow-jobs without condoms as his favorite “girlfriend experience” activities: “The c’s taste like fish and the assholes taste like shit! These girls are Jewish cougars!” Howard advised John to be safe: “I bet this floor is cleaner than some of those whores you lick.” Artie agreed: “If you get sick and die, your existence would end.” John brightened: “That would be great!”