A caller asked Howard if he'd rather be Ron Howard - who's been wildly successful, but has only bedded his wife - or Scott Baio, who banged the world's hottest chicks in their prime but has no career. Howard picked Scott Baio.
Ham Hands Bill then called in to ask if Howard would rather have six months of threesomes with Whoopi Goldberg and Star Jones (with intercourse) - or six months of only kissing and oral from Megan Fox and Julianne Hough (no intercourse). Howard thought it was a no brainer, and Artie agreed: "Ham Hands, are you high today?"
While Ham Hands Bill was on the line, he asked if he could be a judge for tomorrow's Intern Beauty Pageant. Howard said he'd already lined up Ronnie, Ralph and King of all Blacks to judge the contest. In addition, Robin pointed out that Ham Hands should never be allowed near the interns: "He'll be looking for cameltoe on these young girls." Howard thought Bill might add some "spice" to the competition: "But common sense tells me to keep you away." Richard then came in with a "song" Ham Hands had written for the female interns, complaining that he almost didn't want it played on the air (and remember, this is coming from Richard Christy): "It's really creepy." Artie was shocked: "You creeped out Richard!" Howard laughed that he had to hear anything that creeped out Richard and played the clip.
Ham Hands' song-poem for the interns gave everyone shivers: "You cute dopey interns...are you tied up, virgins? If I could sniff your panties, I would..." [that's enough] Howard also played another song-poem Ham Hands had written, this one for a specific intern, a poor girl named Emily. In the clip, Ham Hands described how his "hot cock" had a mind of its own - and detailed his desire to stick seven Gummy bears up her ass: "Bend over and show me the flowers on your panties...while you sleep I will masturbate." Howard cut off clip before too long: "I think we made the right call."