The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled

December 9, 2010
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Gary came in to report that Sal had overslept and had just gotten to work, so he’d missed Howard’s announcement: “He thinks you’re making the announcement in five minutes.”

So when Sal got out of the bathroom, Howard brought him–and several other staffers–into the studio and announced his retirement.

Sal started crying: “I’m so happy that you’ve given me–you’ve made my dreams come true. But it’s so bittersweet because I have three little boys. I don’t know what to do.”

Sal said he was totally unprepared for Howard’s retirement: I’m walking into nothing. I’m walking into a burnt house.”

Sal apologized: “I’m crying like a little bitch…[but] I f’ed up. I should’ve saved some money or something.”

Howard finally broke the real news: “Were you late today? What happens what you’re late? You get goofed on, don’t you?”

Sal exploded with joy: “Oh my god! You’ve gotta be kidding me! I can’t believe this! Oh my God! You sold me! You motherf’er! You cocksucker, Howard. You should retire.”

…Was Convincing This Rube He Quit

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Howard later expressed no remorse about fooling Sal: “He missed two alarms!”

Tim Sabean laughed that Sal never worried about his wife: “The greatest part was, he has three sons. No mention of Christine.”

Howard told Sal to start preparing for the future now: “For the next five years, make a plan goddamnit.”

Gary laughed: “It really is like the movie ‘A Christmas Carol.’ You took him to see the future.”

Sal’s Tears Infect the Crew

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Sal explained why he broke down: “I’m not going to hop in my Mercedes, hop on my boat and go to my four or five houses like Robin! I was going to this f’ing shithole that I live in out in Nassau county with my wife and three kids waiting for the next meal. I don’t know where the next meal is! Leave me alone!”

Howard said Sal’s tears were worth the effort: “Punking you was better than the real announcement.”

Robin said Sal’s emotion was so real, she had to turn away: “I couldn’t look at him and not cry.”

George actually did cry: “I knew the story, but…there was real pain there.”

Sal’s raw tears of thanks almost got Howard to reverse his decision: “You know, the way he was going, I felt bad I resigned. I walked away from a good thing. I was out! Now I’ve got to do another five years!”