Darrell Hammond’s Childhood Hell, Drug Abuse, and Wanting to Bang Paris Hilton

November 8, 2011
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Darrell Hammond stopped by to promote his new book, ‘God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m Fucked,’ which fleshes out the childhood horrors he’d hinted at during his last interview. Darrell said his Mom was so disturbed, she’d brag to friends about the abuse she gave him on a daily basis: “She would laugh about it…I think monsters turn it around in their head, like they don’t do bad things.”

So at a young age, he learned to deflect her anger with impressions: “It sort of hypnotized her. She would just go off and become childlike.”

The abuse eventually stopped when Darrell grew big enough to hold her off, but not before she’d visually assault him with her naked body: “It wasn’t, ‘I’m going to turn my kid on.’ It was an act of violence.”

As he died, Darrell’s father apologized for not protecting him better: “He was on his deathbed and had all his war medals on his chest…[and] he explains each medal, as if to say, ‘I was a soldier. That’s all I was, while I was alive, that’s all I did good. And I’m sorry I didn’t do better for you.'”

But when Darrell tried to mend things with his mother, it didn’t go as well: “She said, ‘Don’t ever contact us again.'”

The Sad Clintonian Clown

Darrell said he’s battled depression every day since, with rare exceptions: “There were nights when I was proud of myself. When you score on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ it’s a hell of a good feeling.”

SNL’s producers knew of his issues–and attendant drug problem–and tolerated them, as long as he sobered up for the live show: “There was sort of an understanding between me and them that I wasn’t going to go out there drunk. I mean, I wasn’t. Rehearsal was one thing…”

Once he’d finally sobered up, a guy Darrell was sponsoring in recovery killed himself after Darrell refused to have gay sex with him: “That’s when I started wearing black…this little girl called me on the phone and said, ‘My daddy committed suicide.’ I went nuts.”

The family insisted on an open casket–and a reconstructed head since the first one had been destroyed when the guy shot himself in the head–a thought that fueled Darrell into a drunken episode at the Clinton inauguration: “I spun out…a guy without a head is pretty tough to ignore.

Paris Hilton

Howard said his favorite part of Darrell’s book was the bit about Paris Hilton guest-hosting SNL: “You said she was so good looking, that as despicable as she is, and as untalented as she was, and as disruptive as she was, you still wanted to bang her.”

Darrell laughed that it was a latent attraction to evil: “Not just bang her, I would’ve married her. I would’ve fallen in love…I mean, it took me 18 years to get on and it took her a month. Right?”