June 23, 2014

So, it finally happened.

If you’ve listened to the show at all in the past few weeks, you know that Stern Show writer Benjy Bronk promised to lose 37 lbs by July 21st, otherwise he’d be fingered by a guy.

The stunt worked well for Benjy, he got a lot of air time (which is his second favorite thing, after food) almost every day.

Well today, as Perez Hilton readily agreed to be the one to finger Benjy (as long as he could wear a glove) Benjy figured he might as well get it over with, turning the whole thing into a way to squeeze some airtime for his girlfriend, Elisa Jordana in as well.

He wrote his ‘terms’ down on a piece of paper and handed them to Howard. If Howard agreed to them, he would end his weight loss quest and just take the finger in Perez Hilton’s apartment right then and there.

Howard looked at the piece of paper – Benjy demanded that his girlfriend, noted comedian Elisa Jordana Shwartz, be allowed to contribute to our office bulletin board – ‘with her own box’ (whatever that means) and get the credit she deserves as a major writer and contributor to the Howard Stern Show.

Elisa Jordana

Howard said he really didn’t care, fine, whatever you want, Benjy.

Benjy, Gary Dell’Abate, Perez Hilton, Shuli, Jim McClure, and Jason Kaplan all hot-footed it to Perez’s apartment building, where he actually rents a separate apartment to f*ck in.

After twenty minutes, Gary got the mics working from Perez’s and Howard spoke to the two lovebirds as they prepared to do the deed.

Benjy looked at Perez and said ‘I feel sad,’ just before he stripped naked. ‘Oh, my God,’ Perez shrieked. ‘His nipples are hard!’

After confirming about fifty times that his girlfriend ‘Elisa Jordana Schwartz’ would finally be an official big time writer and top contributor on the Howard Stern Show, Perez got the lube and the glove and went to town on Benjy. (Instantly making himself a Stern Show Legend.  Perez, we speak your name!)

Perez dug in and Benjy squealed and screamed ‘No, no, no!’ The seconds ticked by as Benjy continued to shriek. Howard even attempted to stop it several times because he was getting uncomfortable, but Perez went for the full three minutes. Perez even offered to add a second finger, but Benjy screamed in protest.

After it was all over, Howard announced that this was the promise of satellite radio.

Howard got Elisa on the phone and she really didn’t seem to care at all what Benjy took in his ass, but it was sweet of him to mention her over and over and over. 

Benjy previously said that if you’re a fan of Howard Stern, you’re a fan of his. Now, apparently, you’re also a fan of Elisa Jordana Schwartz.