Beetlejuice Finds Religion

Wack Packer makes a rare and special apperance

September 29, 2014

The man, the myth, the legend – Beetlejuice made a rare and special appearance this morning.

He came in dressed as boxing promoter Don King, in honor of a fight Beetle was promoting at a New Jersey high school. He took the wig off, perhaps in a moment of self-consciousness, but he remained as feisty as ever.

First up, he was pretty much unmoved by the recent passing of Eric the Actor. Beet felt that he was the one who paved the way for Eric and that “he died for nothing.”

Perhaps his subdued reaction to Eric’s death was due to his newfound relationship with God, whom Beet wholeheartedly believes in. If heaven exists, surely Eric is just watching the Oakland A’s and looking at large-breasted women in a different location, right?

Beet has little patience for questions from the media, so his manager Bobby stepped in to help give us the rundown of Beet’s life in the past year. He’s almost retired from doing small-time private parties, only getting out of bed for well-paying corporate (or stadium) gigs.

And, when his terms are met and he agrees to travel, he is actually flying on his own. His parents will take him to the airport and Bobby will pick him up on the other end. This seems almost unimaginable, but apparently Beet is pretty well-behaved. Bobby alleged that he lit a cigarette on a recent flight, but Beet said it wasn’t true. Dominic, a rival little person who occasionally does shows with Beet, was allegedly the one with the cigarette.

Even when he’s not airborne, Beet is accused of outrageous, sometimes dangerous behavior. Bobby said Beet got into the car of a stranger with a joint and wound up in Boston, Mass. Thankfully, Bobby keeps one of his business cards in Beet’s wallet, so he was contacted and Beet remained safe. Beet also recently lit a fire in Bobby’s fireplace with his lighter, and let Bobby’s dog out of his front door. As if that weren’t enough, Howard noticed that Beet’s nails were clearly bitten very, very short.

Beet’s excuse for all this bad behavior? Dominic, Dominic, Dominic, and Dominic. Beet didn’t do any of this – everyone has him confused with Dominic.

And you know what? Beet is sick of it.

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