Joan Rivers Tells Us How She Really Feels

Joan Rivers - long, long, loooooong time - friend of the show stopped by and the usually reserved, polite Joan didn't hold back on any topic.

Joan really handed it to several celebrities, so we went ahead and ranked her insults on a scale of one to five Middle Fingers.

Johnny Carson – You know all about the feud between Johnny Carson and Joan Rivers, and while Johnny might be over it (he's dead), Joan is not. Even though he gave her her big break and changed her life, she called Johnny a 'mean sonuvabitch,' onscreen and off. A perfect 5/5 Middle Fingers

Jay Leno – Joan recently made her triumphant return to the Tonight Show for the first time in decades, since she was famously banned by Johnny Carson for landing her own show on Fox. Jay Leno, for some reason, kept Joan off the show when he stole it in the early 90s. 'He's a f*cking asshole. He's a moron,' Joan fumed.

Jay actually gets 6/5 Middle Fingers from Miss Rivers

Woody Allen – Joan says she still loves Woody, creatively, and doesn't care what he does with his private life. She was incensed though that, in her opinion, his latest movie Blue Jasmine rips off Tennessee Williams' classic A Streetcar Named Desire. A mild 1/5 Middle Fingers

Katie Couric (at the Birthday Bash) gets hit with some Rivers Shrapnel

Katie Couric – Joan recently did Katie's show and felt some of her questions were out of line. Katie asked Joan something about being self-absorbed and it really set her off. Joan countered that Katie had balls calling anyone self-absorbed. 2/5 Middle Fingers

Lena Dunham – Joan asked how on earth a girl who looks like Lena could wear a dress that was cut above the knee. Howard tried to protest that Lena was trying to make a statement that she doesn't have to look like a model to be funny on TV, but Joan was having none of it – 'You're telling people to stay fat' get diabetes.' Lena gets 1/5 Middle Fingers

During a spirited 'Sexiest Eighty-Something Comedians' bracket, a few of the octogenarian funnymen got the famous Rivers wrath:

Ben Stiller – Ben is not eighty-something, but his father, Jerry Stiller is. Joan is good friends with Jerry and his wife Anne Meara and it has stuck in her craw for years that Ben Stiller doesn't treat her with respect when he sees her. 3/5 Middle Fingers

Jerry Lewis - whom Joan admitted she despises. Joan called him a 'nasty person' and claimed that when you rent a limo and you ask the driver who the worst passenger ever was, it's always Jerry Lewis or Paul Anka.

Joan also said she volunteered to do Jerry's famous telethon many years ago and he wouldn't let her do it. It's not a big surprise, though, since Jerry has never been a huge supporter of women in comedy. Jerry gets a perfect 5/5 Middle Fingers

Incidentally, Mel Brooks won the bracket, as Joan effusively praised him. She said a friend of hers was currently dating the Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles creator and that he is a very nice, very funny man.

Lena Dunham at the Birthday Bash

FALLING OUT WITH DAVID BRENNER

Last but not least, the late great David Brenner, who had something of a feud with Joan, though it stemmed completely from his end. When things weren't going so well for David career-wise, he asked Joan if they could go out on the road together. At this point, Joan was selling out 3,000 seat venues by herself again, so she didn't need David's help to put asses in seats. She agreed to go out with him, and even offered David a very generous 1/3 of the money. David felt he deserved half and never spoke to Joan again.

Joan joked that the type of women David was attracted to had a prisoner of Auschwitz look and said he got a big opportunity when they handed him Larry King's old radio show and he didn't succeed because he was 'lazy'. His big problem, according to Joan, was that he never rewrote anything – he felt it was perfect just as it came out.

But Joan then acknowledged David as a major talent and was very sad about his passing. - 0/5 middle fingers. We all miss you, David.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS FROM JOAN'S INTERVIEW:

Joan revealed that she hadn't gotten laid in seven years, but alluded to the fact that she still masturbates. Joan felt that people probably masturbate until the day they die, and felt she was in good company with Barbara Walters, who admitted she uses a vibrator.

In a shocking revelation, Joan confessed that she would kill herself if she ever got dementia. Joan never wants to be the woman who shoves mashed potatoes in her eye and shits her pants. She values her mind over all and if she felt it slipping away, she'd end it. She'd do it quickly though – 'otherwise, you forget.'

Check out any of Joan's one million TV shows: In Bed With Joan, Joan and Melissa, or Fashion Police.