Howard Talks Apple’s Lackluster iPhone 15 Pro Announcement

“I’m bummed out,” the King of All Media reveals

September 13, 2023

Apple just debuted its iPhone 15 Pro and iPhone 15 Pro Max, which boast new features ranging from an “Action” button and aerospace-grade titanium casings to an upgraded camera. But for some iPhone super fans, Howard included, the news felt underwhelming.

“I’m bummed out about that iPhone announcement,” Howard said Wednesday morning. “From what I gathered, the camera is capable of making a major motion picture, but I just use the camera for taking video of Beth rescuing cats. I’m not going to go on a movie set.”

Howard and co-host Robin Quivers also couldn’t help but laugh about all the jargon the Apple spokeswoman had used in the announcement, from Super Retina XDR to 100-percent recycled aluminum. “I was like, ‘What!?’ Robin said. “It’s got aluminum under it. So? I don’t care.”

Thankfully, the Stern Show somehow got its hands on a new, far more exciting iPhone announcement. “You will come in your pants when you see the 3,000-nit display. The resolution is so crystal clear it will drive you to madness,” the “Apple spokeswoman” proclaimed. “Our new dick pic technology is incredible [and] will give the appearance of 0.12 extra micrometers of length and 0.05 nanometers of girth.”

“This is the pinnacle of computing technology. You will never need another device ever again,” the voice continued. “Until we build a new one in six months, at which time your laptop will self-destruct.”