Crazy for Christy

June 13, 2005

Two weeks ago a girl named Jessi called in because she was a big Iced Earth (Richard Christy’s former band) fan and she really wanted to meet Richard. She was supposed to come to New York last Friday but was held up on her connection in Detroit an didn’t make it.

She did finally make it to New York today though and Howard had her in the studio so we could get to the bottom of her fascination with the man who pleasures himself multiple times every Friday night to his vast collection of porn. Jessi is 24, blonde and from Louisiana.

She hasn’t had sex with a man since January 1st of this year but has been with women more recently, in fact she said she has been with 5 or 6 women in her lifetime.

Artie pointed out that this meant she’s been with more women than Richard.

Jessi retold the story of her most recent girl/girl experience which started at a strip club and ended in a naked romp with vibrating toys. She also told how she was prohibited from going on the stage at one point in the evening because she didn’t have an SOB (sexually oriented business) card – who knew you needed a license to strip in Louisiana! Both Howard and Artie thought Jessi was cute, with a nice flat stomach, so Howard had Richard come into the studio to see what he thought of her.

Richard said she looked great and told her that, although she really wanted them, he didn’t think she needed breast implants at all.

Howard said he only spends a few seconds looking up top before he moves on to the part he likes the most, he also told her that he was a vagina man rather than a breast man.

I Like Cheesecake… On My Belly

Jessi seemed really happy meet Richard, to the point she told him how good he smelled as he walked into the studio. Jessi told Howard how she had pleasured herself last week in anticipation of this visit so Howard asked for details. Jessi just said that she imagined herself sitting on Richard’s Futon watching porn and they would start making out. She said at that point she had to stop fantasizing and focus on the work at hand – so to speak. Jessi said she was only in town until tomorrow though and Richard said that that was ok since he thought he would be taking her to his Chinese restaurant for dinner.

Gary said that Richard had told him that he was not really interested in giving up his Friday night ritual and Howard wanted to know if that was ok with Jessi. But Richard seemed caught up in the moment and said he didn’t think he needed his Friday nights if he had a real girl. Howard thought it was time to escalate things so he asked the couple if they would like to kiss for the first time, which they did. They kissed for a little while and Howard thought Richard opened his mouth a little too much too quickly, he said the way Jessi seemed to be wiping her mouth off afterwards confirmed this. Despite this, Jessi said it was a really good first kiss, Richard mumbled in agreement.

Doug Goodstein came in with some cheesecake because Jessi had said she was looking forward to sharing some of Richard’s favorite desert while she was here in New York. Doug thought she might let Richard eat some off her ass or her stomach. Jessi chose to have Richard eat some off her stomach, which he readily set out to do. Richard put a little on her belly then licked it off. Never satisfied, Doug brought in some strawberries and whipped cream to see if there was a spot on her body she wanted those eaten from.

Richard suggested her ass and Jessi agreed so he dipped a berry in cream while Jessi pulled down her jeans. There were some loud laughs from the crew as Richard inserted the strawberry which she thought felt a little weird. Richard thought she might be the one for him and thought he might have to switch his futon for a real bed. Of course, Doug Goodstein wasn’t done though, and he brought a cucumber and a protein shake he said belonged to Richard. Doug wanted to know if she’d drink Richard’s protein shake or play with his cucumber. Howard kicked Doug out for that, but not before Jessi agreed to the protein shake, which Richard eagerly fed to her. Howard told the couple to go have fun on their date and reminded them to come back with details afterwards. Richard asked Howard for any last words of advice, Howard (jokingly) told him not to kill this one.