Howard and Artie’s Dirty Mornings

When left to their own devices, Howard and Artie have certain morning rituals

August 4, 2005

Howard began the show by talking about how he keeps waking up at 2AM every day. Because Beth O. wasn’t home, Howard decided to order a porno this morning. He realized after a little while that he had seen this movie three times already. He then had an argument with himself because he was almost finished doing the deed and needed to get to sleep, yet he kept fast forwarding the movie to check out the other girls. Finally he told himself that he’d finish and then quickly cue up the movie to the next girl so he’d know where to start when he watched the movie again. However, once he was done there was no way he could watch the porno anymore because he felt gross. Artie added that once he’s done pleasuring himself to pornos, he not only finds the porno chicks unattractive, but he actually develops anger toward them. Howard was concerned about what his porno watching means in relation to how he truly feels about Beth. Robin assured him that his behavior was normal, and it wasn’t like he’d pick porn instead of his girlfriend if she was there. Howard said Beth would end up asking him when she got home if he pleasured himself, and he’d have to tell her he did. Artie commented how women only want their men to think about them when they pleasure themselves. Howard felt that was a pain, but he understood because he wouldn’t want Beth fantasizing about other guys. Artie said he wouldn’t mind if Dana thought about someone like Brad Pitt, but he couldn’t handle it if she fantasized about someone obtainable. After he was done with the porno, Howard couldn’t sleep without first throwing away his used tissues because he was afraid the cleaning lady would discover them. Robin was convinced Howard just looks for ways to torture himself. Artie said he and his cleaning lady have an understanding: Artie’s gross. He added that for $80 a week she overlooks this.