Tom Arnold is the Gold Mine

Tom Arnold stopped by to promote the second season of his reality TV show, "My Big Redneck Wedding," and told the crew he'd been "cleansing" for the past two weeks: "It's way worse than getting off booze or cocaine." Howard asked Tom about his divorce from Roseanne, so Tom claimed he never took a penny from her: "But she keeps saying I did. I might as well have it." Tom then laughed that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger always joke about marrying successful women. Howard wondered if Tom had had a nose job, and Tom confessed: "Just to get it fixed and have a little bit of Jew shaved off." Tom said he recently met a 17-year-old mother while he was in the hospital and was inspired to have children. Unfortunately, Tom's sperm count was too low, so he's had acupuncture in his balls and paid for several expensive fertility treatments for his girlfriend. To offset the cost, he invested in a couple Canadian gold mines with a bunch of famous Canadian hockey players, but the mines never paid out. Howard joked that it seemed more likely that Tom and his partners were the gold mine for the people who got them to invest.

Britney Spears Is Lost

Tom said he lived in the same building as Britney Spears and once found her asleep in the hallway ("I tripped over her.") because she was locked out of her apartment: "She waited for Kevin Federline to get home and come up the elevator and find her. It was very sad." Tom added that he told Kevin to try to take better care of her: "A few years ago I was in the Kevin Federline position. The star was the wife."