What Will Amy Do To Meet Howard?

March 3, 2009

Howard took a call from a girl named Amy who said she’d do anything to be on the show. Amy claimed she was a bisexual former heroin addict: “I had a bad childhood…I was molested and raped by my half-brother and my parents didn’t believe me.” Howard said he was going to have some fun and propose some fun stunts she could do to come on the show: “But now it’s getting too sad.”

Amy insisted he go on, so Howard presenting a series of ideas:

1. Ride the Sybian while her abusive half-brother mans the controls: “No.”2. Pack her panties full of ice cubes for three minutes: “I would definitely do it.”3. Like chocolate sauce off of Richard’s taint: “Oh lord…yes.”4. Punch a holocaust survivor in the face: “Yeah. Why not?”5. Dress up as Hitler and go sell pork in a Hasidic New York City neighborhood: “Sure.”6. Let Beetlejuice impregnate her: “Is that possible?”7. Sing “cock-aoke” into Sal’s penis/microphone: “Yeah.”8. Kiss Sal’s hemorrhoid: “Sure.”9. Pee in a diaper: “Sure.”10. Vomit on Jeff “The Vomit Guy” Levy: “Sure.”11. Dunk her head in a toilet: “Yeah, yeah.”12. Sit alone in a room with Fred for an hour: “Absolutely! Hi, Fred!”13. Smack herself in the head with a douchebag: “Yeah.”14. Have an hour-long conversation with Jon Hein about ’70s television: “Sure. I’ll have to take notes first.”

Gary loved the possibilities: “We should just have her do all of them.”