Will’s Balls May Be an Open Book

November 3, 2009
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Howard learned that the only procedure available to Will was a procedure in which his balls had to be cut open, so Will came in to explain they would search his balls for swimmers: “The way the doctor explained it to me, your testicle is like a book and they go through it page by page.”

Will said he was actually considering the procedure – and wasn’t opposed to adopting a black child: “If they’re a good athlete.” Howard offered his services: “You want me to beat off in cup? I’ll do it.”

Will said he might actually have the costly ball-dissection procedure instead: “We haven’t gotten that far yet but I would say [it’ll cost me] around $20,000.” Howard thought it might be cheaper to adopt a Chinese baby: “Those are the cutest.”

Stern Show Sperm Bank

Will said he’d rather get a sperm donation from a family member than adopt: “I have a brother. I have uncles.”

Howard was horrified: “Don’t do that. Go to a sperm bank and ask for the smartest good-looking guy…there’s basic sibling rivalry…you don’t want to be thinking that every time your brother comes over…you come to me before you decide anything. I mean privately.”

Howard again offered a semen sample, and Will considered it: “Lemme think about that. I’ll get back to you.” Howard cited JD as the staffer whose semen sample he’d personally be least-likely to use: “But you know what? I would take JD over Benjy. Because Benjy is disturbing. I’m worried about him.”

Howard also reconsidered taking JD before a couple others: “I would take JD before Sal or Richard? Am I crazy?”

Whose Baby Could You Not Raise?

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Howard eventually reversed position, with one complaint: “I think JD could be kind of a cool guy. There’s just no way he’s gonna get rid of that personality.” Artie cited Richard as the last staffer he’d ask (besides himself): “Maybe it’s just because I’m a city-slicker and arrogant.” Howard couldn’t decide: “Richard. Or maybe Sal. That’s a tough one.” Fred picked Jason, citing his looks: “It’s not that he’s ugly. It’s the overweight issue. It’s the excessive hair.”

Jason came in to agree with Fred, citing his hirsute physique – even stripping off his shirt to show the crew his hairy back. Fred was disgusted: “It’s like a sweater.” Howard noticed that Jason had a little pattern baldness on his back, so Jason explained that it had never grown back after his first back-waxing treatment. Howard then pointed to the bald spot on Jason’s head: “They should take the hair off your back and put it on your head.”