Tom Arnold Was Bad

Tom Arnold called in to promote his new Showtime comedy special and confessed that he'd recently relapsed: "I was bad."

Regarding Tom's penchant for 'walking the walk' and 'talking the talk,' Tom said he did the former: "I did one and not the other."

While Tom hasn't had a drink for 20 years, he began abusing pain medication after breaking bones in his back several years ago.

Howard noted that the addiction became public after Tom was hospitalized: "Are you embarrassed to say you perforated your colon?"

Tom said he was: "I had no idea that if you use pain medication, it weakens your colon. It weakens your bowels so you are susceptible to this."

Surgery to repair the damage left him with a gruesome look: "It's all ripped up. It looks like I was shot there."

Tom's Time in Rehab... With LiLo

After he recovered, Tom said he found himself in Betty Ford with Lindsay Lohan.

Howard told Tom to give him a ring next time--Lohan's confessions at group therapy would be gold: "Call me up and I'll sign in too."

Howard asked if Tom tried to become Lindsay's sponsor, but Tom said that wouldn't jibe with the recovery program's philosophy: "It would be bad to have a man be a woman's sponsor."

Tom's Baseball Bat Rehab 'Thing'

Howard referenced a story about Jason Davis suing Tom: "Even though you helped him! You got him into rehab."

Tom explained that Jason was upset because Tom had herded him into rehab--with a baseball bat: "I'm sure it was my ego. Cause I was like, 'Nobody else would do that.' It was going to be my thing."

Howard asked Tom to re-enact his baseball bat rehab 'thing,' so Tom began screaming: "Get the f' down! You're going to rehab! F'! Get the f' out of here! F' you! I'm going to beat you with this f'ing bat! Get the f' out of here! Do not pick that up! I will break your f'ing arm! Get out of here!"

On Fourth and First Wives

Howard congratulated Tom on his fourth marriage and asked if he'd gotten a pre-nup this time, but Tom said he didn't believe in them: "Never do...that's why this is it."

Tom revealed that he was even planning to have more kids: "We're trying to get pregnant...I think being off pain medication will help. I have a low sperm count."

Robin asked if Tom ever thought of his exes--like Roseanne Barr--when he masturbated, but Tom denied it: "You really think Roseanne? I can't even remember her. No. [My mind] doesn't go to Roseanne. Or the holocaust."

Tom Arnold's 'Man Love' Tattoo

Late in the interview, Tom told the crew he'd been so moved by the Tianenmen Square massacre that he'd run out and gotten a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for "love of mankind."

He later learned it really meant "manlove" after showing it to Chinese action star Jet Li--Jet laughed that it was a particularly aggressive symbol of homosexuality: "It's, like, super gay. It's not just a little gay. It's like gay to the tenth [degree]."