Richard’s Wedding Inconveniences Howard

June 13, 2011
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Howard complained that he’d recently received an invite to Richard’s wedding, and it fell on an inconvenient date: “Can’t we move the date of Richard’s wedding? To October?”

Gary came in to stop him, saying that he and Robin actually had good excuses: “You realize that comes off a tiny bit selfish? Robin and I have trips planned. You just don’t want to go.”

Howard said he wanted to go “because I care about [Richard] and want to show him I love him” so he might just go to the ceremony and leave before “the horrible reception.”

Howard was sure he couldn’t hang with Richard’s Kansan family: “They’re going to come up with a raccoon dinner.” But really, Howard wished Richard would free him from the obligation: “If Richard cared about me, he’d tell me not to go.”

Howard wondered if he could bargain his way out: “If you’re Richard, would you rather have me there and a mediocre gift or not there and a beautiful guilt gift–like way more expensive than anyone should buy?”

Richard came in to answer: “Honestly? And [I’m being] so honest. Gift. Because I don’t want you to be somewhere where you don’t want to be.”

Howard moaned with guilt: “That’s the wrong answer! You blew it. Now I got to go.”

Howard later came up with an alternative: “I’m not going to come. I’m going to have dinner with you and your wife. A private dinner. I’ll actually just suck it up and take you out with that wife of yours and talk about Halloween and pumpkins and have the most miserable dinner…and I’ll just give you money. Forget the gift. I’ll pay you not to go to your wedding.”

Richard agreed: “We’ll have drinks. We’ll have a good time.”

Howard had his doubts: “It’ll be a shitty night but I’ll pick a bad night.”