The Goose Used to Have Boobs

September 11, 2012
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Tony ‘The Goose’ Siragusa stopped by to promote his memoir, ‘Goose: The Outrageous Life & Times of a Football Guy’, telling Howard he didn’t fill out until 8th grade. “That was a big turning point. I started getting, like, pecs. They were boobs beforehand.” Goose went on to the University of Pittsburgh (“Your wife was there when I was there!”) and, though he wasn’t drafted, the Indianapolis Colts did pick him up later on: “They signed me for 85 grand. I was the lowest-paid player in the NFL.”

Goose said he was plagued his entire career by knee injuries he’d suffered at Pitt: “Sometimes I had to drain them myself. I would take a needle and drain them. … I had something to prove.” But 12 seasons of NFL-grade hits to the head have helped him forget the pain: “My short-term memory’s shot. I can’t remember anything. I have to travel with somebody who knows me, to fill in the blanks.”

As such, NFL retirees can never return to their sport like many other professional players often do–most succumb to injury: “When I retired, that helmet went on the shelf and I’ve never put it on again. It’s so finite. It’s done.” Goose said he was now 45 years-old, and, given both his father’s early passing (at 47) and a laundry list of football injuries, every day is a gift: “If I die tomorrow, I tell my wife, just put a smile on my face, put a little Sinatra on…”

How to Flush Hands-Free

Before he left, Goose recalled a bout of pre-game constipation and the enemas that failed to help. With saline still in his intestines, Goose had to take the field: “I taped my ass cheeks together…and that week we were wearing white jerseys and white pants. [I was] like, ‘It could be the most humiliating thing. I would have to quit.'” But somehow he held it through the game: “Did you ever shit so much that the toilet actually flushes by itself?