The Staff’s Handwriting Analyzed

December 3, 2012
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Bart Baggett (according to Howard, “the leading handwriting authority in the world”) called in to analyze the staff’s handwriting–or really, update the analysis he’d performed on them 10 years ago. Bart said he’d retested everyone a few months back and had since written up his results:

SCOTT SALEM, according to his handwriting, “decided to trust no one” at an early age. His “cool and calm persona” would make him a great NASCAR driver, but a troubled childhood has left him “simmering inside.” To Bart, Scott writes like a “pissed off tough guy.”

GARY’s script made Bart think he was smarter than he gets credit for, “but has a problem following directions–because he doesn’t listen worth a damn.” Several cues told Bart that Gary was “defiant and rebellious.” Bart said SAL’s test was barely legible: “This guy is an emotional rollercoaster. His handwriting looks like an epileptic chicken.” Certain letters betrayed other traits: Sal is “a little self-destructive”, suffers a massive need for attention, and can barely control his sex drive.

RICHARD, to no one’s surprise, “writes like a high school girl.” Bart said Richard was highly susceptible to suggestion: “He could get talked into something really kinky and then lie about it and pretend it never happened.” JD’s penmanship looked like that of a “mad scientist”–aggressive, but with a great eye for detail: “He has what I call an L. Ron Hubbard ‘D’, which means he’ll be a great writer.” Bart said JD was likely very intelligent but socially awkward: “Of all the people, he’d make the best terrorist.”

HOWARD had evolved since the last test: “Your downfalls are stubbornness and vanity.” Bart claimed Howard’s handwriting resembled that of Hitler and Einstein, a style common with people who are “dominant and pushy” but also “borderline brilliant.”

Bart said ROBIN’s pen exuded warmth: “She’s affectionate.” Her double-curled “O” displayed a desire for attention and a tendency to take criticism very personally. Bart also declared Robin’s signature the easiest to forge.