Eli Braden vs. Psych, A.K.A. the Feud of the Century

December 16, 2013
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Everyone is consumed with desire for newswoman Robin Quivers and her breasts and ass and vagine, but only a handful of men write songs about her daily. Two of those men, Psych and Eli Braden, are in the middle of an intense war.

Psych claims that Eli is fat (he is heavyset) and steals his material (possible, but unconfirmed). Eli claims Psych is not really blind, asking how Psych would know about his weight if he couldn’t see.

Eli wrote several Anti-Psych songs for Howard to play, mostly to Stevie Wonder songs, because he’s ‘a real blind man.’

For example, the classic ‘Superstitious’ became ‘Psych is Very Stupid,’ and so on.

Both men claimed that their songs were better, funnier and more original than the other’s. Howard tried to settle the score, by matching up two similar songs and asking Robin which she preferred. Both had made attempts and reinterpreting the Beatles’ ‘Here Comes the Sun’ and Maroon 5’s ‘Moves Like Jagger,’ among others.

Unfortunately, it ended in a dead heat, so Howard had to get more creative.

He asked Robin which of the two songwriters she’d actually bone if she had to. While she thought about it, Psych popped up and announced that he wouldn’t have sex with Robin because he has too much respect for her. Robin didn’t understand that (no man has ever turned her down), so she decided to go with Eli. Eli said he take her anywhere anytime.

Howard declared this feud “the feud of the century’ and everyone resigned themselves to the fact that as long as Robin has G-cups, men will be fighting over her.