Adam Carolla for President of the United State of America

The comedian and talk show host stopped by to discuss his presidential running platform

May 12, 2014

One of America’s great minds, Adam Carolla stopped by to detail the platform he will run on when he victoriously rides into the White House.

Perhaps it’s his growing outrage – the former Loveline and Man Show host has a list of complaints that gets longer and longer.

Perhaps it’s growing older – he recently needed his reading glasses to masturbate to YouPorn. ‘It was one of the saddest moments in my life.’

Or maybe it’s both, but the Ace Man is ready to take back his country.


Adam will end the war on rich people. He said he doesn’t understand the vilification of the rich. ‘F*ck that. You know who’s rich? Smart people.’

More goods will be made in America – or at least, things that are called ‘American’ will be made in America. Adam was horrified to realize while building his daughters American Girl Doll bed that it was made in China.

Adam will cut NASA funding and “put all of that money and brainpower toward fixing problems here on Earth.”

Adam will rate people’s craziness strictly by how many bumper stickers they have on their car. Also, the ‘Stop Senior Abuse’ stickers that are currently displayed on city-owned vehicles in LA will be removed. If anything, Adam said, it serves to remind people that they’d been meaning to beat their Nana.

Adam will bomb Germany AGAIN for World War II. He feels we really let them off the hook too easily.

I’m in that limbo moment when I have to quickly get into my car so I don’t miss any of @adamcarolla on @sternshow. They’re rollin’.

— Romanino (@RobertRomanino) May 12, 2014

Socks will come sized the way shoes do. No more ‘Size 6 -12’.

Wedding dresses will be $1,000 apiece. It’s ridiculous to spend more than that on a dress you only wear once. As for the women who will protest with ‘our daughter will wear this dress one day’ Adam says: ‘Then why aren’t you wearing you’re Mom’s dress?’

Properly regulate or eliminate decaf coffee and ‘the vegetarian option’. Adam correctly points out that probably fewer than 10% of people drink decaf coffee, yet it’s always available in a 50/50 split. I pot of regular, one pot of decaf. Naturally, the regular pot is always empty while the decaf pot overfloweth. The same can be said of the vegetarian option at a craft services table or buffet.

Adam will eliminate the role of Vice President. He feels it’s unnecessary – the only thing they can do is embarrass you. As far as the seemingly-important role of having someone to step up in the event that Adam dies, he doesn’t care. He’ll be dead.

Adam wants to organize a large, complicated water-displacement test for male genitalia. Everyone in the country will be ranked according to their size and given a windbreaker with their number on it. #1 will be the most famous man in the country, while those down around the high hundred millions will be suicidal.


And, perhaps the area nearest and dearest to his heart: strip clubs.

Change the music: “nonstop pumping syntho crap that’s played so loud it hurts your teeth… What happened to Motely Crue and Warrant?”

Change the drinks: People at strip clubs are now beaked-up on vodka and Red Bull, effectively ‘taking douchebags and super-sizing them.’

Do away with the stripper pole: “It was initially installed for when the stripper was so drunk she couldn’t support herself… Now the chicks are out there doing stuff Bart Conner couldn’t pull off… it [is] impressive but I don’t go to the strip club to be impressed.”

Finally, President Ace Man seems to be all about truth in media – as he called out his good buddy Jimmy Kimmel on his love of fly-fishing. Before courting Huey Lewis, he said, he doesn’t recall Jimmy professing his love of fishing.

Check out Adam’s new book, President Me, his podcast The Adam Carolla Show and his TV show, Catch a Contractor, which has been picked up for a second season.