Howard Stern Wins Coveted ‘Best Men’s Hair’ of 2015 presented the King of All Media with an award far more important than an Oscar or Emmy

February 23, 2015

Sure, the Academy Awards were last night, but the only award presentation anybody was talking about today was awarding Howard ‘Best Men’s Hair in America’.

He beat out luminaries like George Clooney, Bradley Cooper, Ryan Reynolds, and Chris Hemsworth and Howard accepted the award with his trademark humility.

“I want to thank my grandfather Sol, who genetically I take after, who had a thick full head of hair into his nineties. I don’t die my hair! You understand? I do have some gray. But, I’m an older dude now and I have all my own color and my own hair. So, thank you Grandpa Sol for passing the hairy black baton to me.

I would also like to thank George Clooney and the other nominees because, first of all, they were gracious. I think they were all good about it – Bradley Cooper – everyone sort of accepted the fact that they were not me.

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

I’d like to thank my agent Don Buchwald, who even on a bad hair day sticks with me.

Of course I have to thank Robin – who I feel is responsible for a lot of the health in my hair. You’re here with me every day. We go through the wars through thick and thin together so why not?

And yes, I do want to thank God. You know? Although, I have mixed feelings about God – He gave me this beautiful hair but then He gave me this face, so what’s He thinking? I have the hair of Samson, and my face looks like one of those gargoyles on the Chrysler building. So who is this God, and what is his plan for me? But thank you God for blessing me with this fabulous mane of hair that is the envy of all men.

I would like to thank Toni Coburn, who is of course my hairdresser, who has me looking good every time I am on AGT. She comes over and she cuts my hair, and it is not easy because it is curly. In fact, right now my hair is trending right behind Robin’s tits and I want to thank Toni for that because, listen, she’s got a lot to do with it and you got to give credit where credit is due. And most of all, I would like to thank the people at -what is it again? – Who cares? I won. I would like to thank my childhood inspiration, Cousin It from The Addams Family. If I said one day if I could have as much hair as him, I would be very, very honored. I don’t know what else to say, Robin.

I’m proud, and I feel like I’ve inspired a lot of children out there. A lot of kids don’t think they have a chance, but look at me, I did it. Kids, you can come from nothing, but if you work hard, and you put your nose to the grindstone, you can win best hair. You think when I was little I thought I would win best hair one day?

I’d also like to dedicate my award to all the men and women of the military. It’s because of them that, and this is a serious moment, my hair is able to be displayed freely to all of the citizens of this great country. Now let me tell you, if I was in one of those other countries, sometimes you gotta cover yourself. With a cap, or a yarmulke. But I don’t have to do that because of this great country. In India, you can’t even display your hair, you have to wear a turban. In France you have to wear a beret.

By the way, I’d like to make a statement: My pubes are equally beautiful, and I’m being serious. I don’t have any gray in my pubes which is pretty cool.

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

I’d also like to say how sorry I am that my friend Joan Rivers isn’t here to see this. She’d be honored that I accepted this non-significant award so graciously.

Also, I would like to get an endorsement deal from Pantene, or something like that. I’m available for commercials, print ads. Here is Howard Stern, the winner of Best Hair in America. That would be exciting. My hair is powerful. Like Samson, I sit here today on my throne. I don’t have Samson’s physique, I don’t have his strength, and I don’t have his big penis, but I do have his hair. And that’s good enough for me. Well, barely good enough.

I was thinking that the Broadway play Hair should have a revival and star only me. I would also like to thank Scott the Engineer because his baldness is not contagious. I feel honored to support this award on behalf of my hair.