(Watch the Full Special on the SiriusXM App!)
From unwashed jeans to vomit-like lunches, the staff’s bad hygiene and gross habits have been topics of conversation on the Stern Show for years. On Monday, it was time for Gary Dell’Abate, Richard Christy, JD Harmeyer, Sal Governale, Benjy Bronk, and Brent Hatley to literally go under the microscope to once and for all determine the germiest staffer.
Dr. Steve, host of the SiriusXM Channel 103 show “Weird Medicine,” teamed up with Memet Walker to help test the six staffers. “We used sterile swabs and vials, but we did a sneak attack. No one had a chance to wash their hands or use Purell,” Howard explained. “We swabbed their hands, we swabbed their workplace … and we took one personal item like their cell phones and swabbed it.”
The results were shocking.
“One guy had bacteria so rare the doctor never heard of it,” Howard said, adding they also sampled Richard’s backside and it somehow contained less fecal bacteria than one staffer’s hands.
“And I even pooped that morning, too,” Richard said.
Here are the results for each staffer:
Howard and his co-host Robin Quivers were blown away to learn how unsanitary their colleagues were, but one of the morning’s biggest surprises came when it was revealed JD— who previously had black mold in his office not to mention sheets he hadn’t washed for years—was actually the least germy staffer.
No one was more shocked than JD himself, who assumed he would be named germiest staffer and even recounted getting called “shit fingers” as a kid after someone claimed to see poop on his hands in a public restroom.
“I immediately go to the worst things, so I’m immediately the germiest person here and a pariah and everything else,” he told Howard.
JD wasn’t off the hook completely. He did test positive for the dangerous Bacillus cereus, a bacteria which can apparently cause diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, and respiratory-tract infections, but so did everyone else.
Benjy, who previously drank garbanzo bean juice straight from the can and grabbed hold of two of his co-workers with his bare hands, isn’t exactly known for his exceptional hygiene. He initially thought he might be the germiest staffer. “That day I just felt dirty and grimy,” he told Howard.
As it turned out, however, that wasn’t the case. “Benjy, your personal item—your backpack—had moderate levels of [Bacillus cereus],” Howard explained. “There were low levels on your workstation, and shockingly your hands were very clean.”
“Oh my God, I’m really happy,” Benjy said after hearing the news.
Brent may not have a reputation for bad hygiene like some others on staff, but co-host Robin Quivers did offer up one reason that might be cause for some concern.
“Brent does threesomes and group sex,” she said.
According to Dr. Steve’s findings, however, the staffer wasn’t among the germiest. He only had moderate traces of Bacillus cereus on his hands and workstation.
The swinging staffer was happy with the results. “I’m really relieved,” Brent said.
Sal wasn’t the germiest staffer either, but he was nowhere near 100-percent clean.
“You had Bacillus cereus everywhere. On all three areas we tested,” Howard explained. “You had high levels on your cellphone and your workstation and small levels of it on your hand, but you are covered in diarrhea-causing bacteria.”
@salgovernale was willing to bet @robertAbooey was the #GermiestStaffer, but his co-worker shot back with a swipe at his scientific track record: "He's a mo-ron." See the full #GermiestStaffer results on the @SIRIUSXM app ... https://t.co/E7ER56tl6J
“Thank you,” Sal responded. “I’m just glad I’m not the dirtiest.”
Richard admitted on Monday he’s never thought of wiping down his desk and often doesn’t shower before work, so few were surprised to learn he was one of the germiest staffers. Nearly everyone, however, was blown away by the revelation that his hands were the ones that contained more fecal bacteria than his own butthole.
“His asshole had moderate levels of fecal bacteria. His hand had high levels of fecal bacteria,” Memet said.
One person swabbed in the Stern Show's #GermiestStaffer test was found to have higher levels of fecal bacteria on their hands than in @cwotd's actual butt. Watch the FULL Germiest Staffer results revealed on the @SIRIUSXM app! https://t.co/oQtoFV2U2g
“How does that happen?” Robin asked.
“You know exactly how that happens,” said Dr. Steve, who hopped on the phone after Monday’s results were revealed to discuss the findings.
Richard was confused, too. He suspected the germs might’ve come from his cellphone or even his son’s dirty diapers but didn’t think it was from a failure to properly wash his hands. “I sing ‘Happy Birthday’ when I’m washing. I put soap and water,” he said. “I wash my hands really good.”
“Why don’t you sing ‘Stairway to Heaven’?” Howard joked.
Gary liked his chances when the contest began. “I’m pretty confident. I do clean my desk maybe once a month with Clorox,” he told Howard. “In my mind, I’m the clean guy.”
In reality, however, he was not only one of the germiest staffers but also the only person found to be carrying Micrococcus luteus, a rare bacteria which can cause people to go into septic shock and sometimes even die. “I’m stunned,” Gary said after hearing the results.
“You’re also filthy,” said Sal, who had correctly predicted Gary would finish near the bottom thanks in part to his phlegm production and tendency to eat peanut butter straight from the jar.
“I couldn’t tell you where it would come from. I shower every morning, wash my hands, clean my phone,” Gary insisted.
Howard was grossed out by the results of the test, though they did pave the way for a few new nicknames for his executive producer, including Baba Bubonic Plague, Baba Bacteria, and the Grim Booey.
Dr. Steve, meanwhile, was more concerned with the office’s omnipresent diarrhea-causing bacteria Bacillus cereus.
@sternshow @Siriusjay @memetwalker Bacillus cereus should only cause illness if: 1) the person has it on their hands 2) they prepare food with infected hands that is not cooked afterward (e.g., mixing cooked rice with hands) 3) the food is allowed to sit out at room temp
“Bacillus cereus is really the interesting one to me because it is everywhere,” he told Howard, explaining he once fell ill to it in medical school and it was no joke. “The diarrhea is so forceful that, if I bent over, I could’ve hit a wall 20 feet away.”
“Well, it’s official,” Howard concluded. “My staff is covered in shit.”