AUDIO: Stern Show Correspondent Wolfie Gets Quarantine Updates From Bigfoot and Wendy the Slow Adult

“Cigarettes, pot, and black coffee,” Bigfoot advises on how to combat the coronavirus

May 6, 2020
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Stern Show correspondent Wolfie called in Wednesday to give Howard updates on Wack Packers Bigfoot and Wendy the Slow Adult and how they’re managing the coronavirus pandemic.

While many Americans have been quarantining with family members, Bigfoot told Wolfie his companions these days have been spiders. “Spider bites,” he answered when asked the most difficult thing about being in quarantine. “I’ll tell you about 50 or 60 of them, between my back and shoulders, chest, face, head – I ache all over.”

“He’s been bitten hundreds of times and no superpowers yet,” Howard responded, referencing the origin story of “Spider-Man.”

As toilet paper supplies across the country have been limited, Bigfoot recommended coffee filters as a substitution. “Because it’s paper,” he explained, suggesting three to four filters should suffice.

When asked about COVID-19 prevention, Bigfoot offered up a very specific cocktail. “Cigarettes, pot, and black coffee,” the Wack Packer stated. “It washes it right out of your stomach … I learned about it by experimenting on myself.”

The Wack Packer went on to theorize the origins of the coronavirus. “Iran sent the missiles to China and then next thing you know it moved from China all the way across the … what do you call it … ocean,” he remarked.

Catching up with Wendy the Slow Adult, Wolfie discovered the recent Hollyweird Squares participant struggles to keep her hands clean from germs. “I am mostly washing my hands with wipes,” she admitted. “I can’t get to the bathroom because there’s no way of me moving back and forth because I’m in a wheelchair.”

Wolfie was also able to get a rare interview with Wendy’s mother, who discussed her daughter’s love of scary movies. “I’ve listened to ‘Scream’ movies for, you know, like 10 hours straight,” Wendy’s mom said. “She’ll put a movie on and watch it six times in one day.”

Despite Wendy’s arguments with grocery store workers over item limits, Wendy’s mom said there’s one product they’ve definitely stocked up on: Mountain Dew. “I’ve never seen so many 12-packs of Mountain Dew, I mean the whole room is stacked with it,” she said of the soft drink.

After Howard teased Shuli Egar for not getting exclusives on the two Wack Packers himself, the Stern Show staffer gave a brief update on Suzanne Muldowney, otherwise known as Underdog.

“She is up and down like the rest of us,” he revealed. “There are some days where we have conversations about TV shows and she’s in a good mood and then there’s other days where she’s telling me that this is a message from God. She’s not working but her biggest concern is the parades that she’s missing.”