Tan Mom: Kidnapping Survivor

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Before John Goodman arrived, another A-list celebrity entered the studio — Tan Mom!

As listeners may remember, Tan Mom was scheduled to come into the studio on Howard’s birthday to sing “Happy Birthday,” but never showed. Early reports indicated she was preoccupied with an alleged kidnapping attempt, but Tan Mom clarified that she was simply “sick as hell.”

“Howard, I would never cancel an appointment with you,” she told the King of All Media.

The alleged kidnapping attempt, she explained, was days later. “The stalker person was about a week later at least,” she tried to remember.

While details of the incident were unclear, Tan Mom did concede that her husband was instrumental in saving her life. She still did not get intimate with him though.

Robin wondered if the alleged kidnappers were ever caught, but Tan Mom explained: “I’m working on all this … These things don’t happen overnight.”

“There’s so many weird people after me right now,” she continued. “Everyone’s messed up.”

Howard told her that she’s finally learning “firsthand what fame brings.”

Another Tan Mom controversy surrounded a series of tweets from her Twitter account slinging offensive slurs at both Howard and Robin. The Wack Packer though insisted that it was not her. “I would never ever call them bad names … They hacked my phone,” she explained. It remains unclear who the real culprits are.

In other news, Tan Mom has been exploring her religion as of late – even turning to Scientology for help. Immediately there was a problem though: “You can’t drink. Right there I’m out,” she admitted. “It was funny, but it bored me.”

Look out for Tan Mom’s new tanning cream line, Sun Kisses, which will be launching in the near future.