Halloween on the Howard Stern Show got especially scary with several callers sharing their genital horror stories. Stern Show staffers Brent Hatley and Richard Christy also came into the studio to talk about their own terrifying penis tales.
Read on (if you dare) to hear the worst stories from Monday morning.
A BJ Gone Bad
Matt had a horror story to share about hooking up with a girl he met at a bar one night. After taking her home and making out with her on his couch, he told Howard she started getting very aggressive.
"She's being like extremely rough, biting my ears, biting my neck, like beyond the point of pleasure," Matt said. Then she started giving him oral sex. "I'll preface this next part by saying basically I wasn't man grooming at that point in my life," he continued. "The hair on my ball sack was pretty long."
Matt recalled the girl licking his balls but only tonguing one specific spot.
"And the next thing I know I had experienced the most pain I ever felt in my life," he told Howard. "She had swirled up this clump of hair on my ball sack, she bit down, and ripped it clean off."
He ran to the bathroom, bleeding profusely. The girl apologized for what she'd done but Matt asked her to leave. Too embarrassed to go to the hospital, he told Howard he put ointments on the wound and wrapped his privates in gauze. Nearly a decade after the incident, Matt is still dealing with the bite mark.
"It's all pretty much healed up but there's like a scar there now and what happens is, from time to time, there's like ingrown hairs that creep up into the scar and I have to remove them with tweezers."
He's forever changed when it comes to receiving oral sex, too.
"Actually, when I was finally comfortable with getting it again and less freaked out, I would actually try to get oral by sticking my cock out through the flap in the boxers so my balls would still be protected," Matt said.
"That's not a bad idea," Howard said before giving him the first Flat Ronnie of the morning as a thank you for sharing his genital horror story.
Scar Tissue and a Catheter
Chris, 33 years old, knew there was something wrong with his penis due to the dribbles of pee that came out any time he had to urinate in his early 20s.
"I would stand at the toilet for half an hour to an hour and just dribbles would come out," Chris told Howard. "Finally I went to see a urologist and he told me I had something stuck in his urethra."
A telescopic surgical procedure found that the blockage was caused by a scar tissue build up which might have happened after he was playing hockey as a kid or riding his bike. In order to pee freely, he now has to "self-catheter" himself once a month.
"I kind of got desensitized to it. I do it in the shower now," Chris explained, adding that he uses lube and iodine. "The worst part about it is, once I hit the scar tissue, there's pressure back on the catheter where I have to puncture through it and then once I puncture through it and I pull it out, it's like ripping off a scab on your elbow so the first pee is just a waterfall of blood."
The only alternative, he's been told, is to "filet" open his penis and put a permanent stint in. That would cause them to have to reroute his urethra while he healed to a hole near his anus.
"We should give him a thousand Flat Ronnies," Howard said after hearing Chris's story.
Chris's equipment isn't that damaged, though – he has a happy wife and a couple kids.
Brent's STD Swab
Stern Show staffer Brent Hatley had a genital story of his own from when he was serving in the U.S. Marine Corps.
"When I was in Okinawa back in 1992, I was having a little too much fun in town with the locals," Brent explained. "Just local girls and one of them convinced me to take the condom off one night. I had a urinary tract infection."
A visit to the doctor's office included swabbing the inside of his penis with a long, metal Q-tip. Brent detailed how he held his manhood straight out with the doctor inserted the swab into his urethra.
"I felt like I was going to pass out," he told Howard. "I broke into a sweat." The guys in his squadron likened Brent's painful experience to cleaning his rifle, or getting his "bore punched."
"I bet you fuck with a rubber now," Howard told him.
Howard and Richard's Tick Bites Below the Belt
Stern Show staffer Richard Christy was raised in rural Kansas and on Monday he told Howard his genitals are no stranger to blood-sucking bugs.
"I got the head of a tick stuck in my cock one time," Richard said. "I used to get ticks and chiggers all over my cock when I was a kid."
Richard admitted to once getting an infection after he left the head of a tick on him. Howard could relate to getting bitten by a tick in the worst possible place on a man's body. He found a tick on his balls a few years ago after going to the beach.
"I guess the tick was in the sand and what they do is, they crawl to a warm, moist spot," Howard said. He went for a run later in the day and said his balls felt very irritated.
"I get home and I look down and I see this big thing, like the size of a pencil eraser, but it looks like skin," he continued. As much as he didn't want to show his wife Beth his penis, Howard had her take a look at what was doing down there. Beth knew it was a tick and that she would need to pull it out.
"We start pulling this thing out, there's blood all over my balls," howard said, explaining that Beth used her nails to remove the tick. "She pulled that fucker out."
Shannon experienced a pulsating problem when she was pregnant with her first child. She told Howard that she had varicose veins all over her body, even on her vagina.
"My labia, just my left one, was just a large vein," she told Howard. She was fascinated by her condition but says her husband couldn't even look at her vagina, though they did have sex while she was pregnant. Her doctors we afraid that the vein might burst during childbirth but everything stayed intact. Once Shannon became pregnant with her second baby, her vaginal veins popped out again.
"I was wearing two pairs of hose just to hold it up," she said. "I would limp."
Other than a single skinny vein remaining, Shannon's vagina is back to normal now and more importantly both her children were born healthy.
Stuck in the Sofa Sleeper
Chris on the phone was only 11 or 12 when he sustained his penis injury. He was watching cartoons one Saturday morning on his family's sofa sleeper. His mom told him to put the bed back in the couch since his aunt and uncle were coming over for a visit. While lowering the mattress into the sofa, Chris's penis got clamped in between two bars, trapping him in the couch.
"I screamed so loud. My mother came running in," Chris said. "I finally get myself wedged out and im crying, weeping, holding my groin." He ran into the bathroom, looked at the damage and says his penis was purple. He had to call his mom in to look at his injury. That led Howard to the painful childhood memories of having his father give him a hernia exam and his mother taking his temperature rectally.
"My whole life is a genital horror story," Howard joked.
Dad's Cancer of the Penis
Larry shared his dad's genital horror story since he's no longer alive to tell it himself.
"My father wasn't circumcised when he was a baby and eventually it turned into cancer on his penis," Larry explained. "They had to remove most of it." He remembered visiting his dad in the hospital and told Howard he had never heard anyone scream like that before. Larry believes the condition was caused by his father not keeping his penis clean. He eventually died after the cancer spread to his lungs and brain. After having the surgery on his penis, Larry said his dad had to sit down to pee because so much had been removed.
"No man should have to go through that," Howard said.
Larry, a truck driver, promised to put his Flat Ronnie in the front seat with him.
Skateboarding Scrotal Tear
Jason was 18 when a day of skateboarding at school turned gruesome. He had just botched a jump on a hand rail when he suddenly felt a surge of discomfort.
"I ended up sliding down at the bottom, straddling the hand rail, and it hurt really bad," Jason said. He dropped his shorts to show his buddy and the two discovered his scrotum had ripped open.
"The gonad actually fell out of my sack," he said, describing the scene to a cracked egg. Jason passed out at the sight but his torture didn't end there. When the paramedics came, Jason was placed on a stretcher that snapped together in the center.
"When they flipped the stretcher underneath me I woke up because the stretcher actually snapped together and pinched my ass cheek," he explained. To this day, his testicles do not look normal.
"One looks like a goose egg and the other looks like a marble," Jason told Howard. His ejaculations were also affected. He admitted his loads are much smaller, though not so small that he couldn't have kids – he now has a son.
"We shouldn't give him a Flat Ronnie, we should give him the actual Ronnie," Howard joked after hearing Jason's story.