Wolfie Goes Embedded With Bigfoot in His Vermont Home, It Is

“It sounds like the gateway to hell,” Howard describes of the report

May 23, 2017
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

He’s gone dumpster diving with Wendy the Slow Adult and reported from the depths of Wing Bowl, but nothing could have prepared Wolfie for what awaited him when he went Embedded with Bigfoot in the dead of winter at his Vermont home.

The 59-year-old Wack Packer, who has been a member of the Stern Show family since winning the “Next Wack Packer Contest” 10 years ago, lives in what Wolfie observed to be a filthy apartment with two alleged squatters who refuse to leave. “I’ve seen animals that have better living conditions than this place,” the Stern Show correspondent told Howard.

Upon arriving at the residence, Wolfie was greeted by Bigfoot who graciously offered to blow him for $100 before inviting him into his home after he politely declined.

Among the uncovered containers of rotting food and spread of decaying carpet, one of the first things Wolfie noticed was that Bigfoot slept on the living room couch instead of in his bedroom. When he inquired as to why, Bigfoot explained that the bedroom is infested with quarter-sized spiders. “I noticed the bite marks on my legs and stuff,” he explained.

Bigfoot's Couch Bigfoot’s Couch Photo: The Howard Stern Show
Bigfoot's Web-Covered Bedroom Bigfoot’s Web-Covered Bedroom Photo: The Howard Stern Show

“It sounds like the gateway to hell,” Howard said, horrified.

In one candid moment during their time together, Bigfoot had no qualms about letting Wolfie interview him on the toilet, which revealed quite a few disturbing details about his health and hygiene. As bowel sounds exploded, Wolfie uncovered that the Wack Packer takes roughly one dump per hour (which is always diarrhea) and never washes his hands (which sport blackened fingernails).

Photo: The Howard Stern Show
Photo: The Howard Stern Show

Wolfie explained to Howard that toilet paper is the equivalent of currency in the apartment. If Bigfoot leaves his in the bathroom, the squatters will undoubtedly steal it. The bathroom is also adorned with poop-smeared towels of unknown origin, as far as Bigfoot could remember, though he did recount a story of explosively crapping in the sink.

Poop-Covered Towel in Bigfoot's Bathroom Poop-Covered Towel in Bigfoot’s Bathroom Photo: The Howard Stern Show

As far as his general hygiene goes, Bigfoot told Wolfie he typically showers once a week, but hasn’t brushed his teeth in years. Not to worry, though, because the Wack Packer has a set of false teeth that he can put in when he chooses to, which is rare. “I don’t wear them hardly at all because I feel uncomfortable with them,” he said. Hear him try to speak with the false teeth in (below).

“Wolfie, where’s your Pulitzer?” Howard asked after hearing the clips, adding that he must have PTSD after the experience.

Bigfoot's Dentures Bigfoot’s Dentures Photo: The Howard Stern Show

From there things quickly got personal as the two began discussing Bigfoot’s sexual experiences, like the time he lost his virginity.

“I was about 18. I shot a load in her 22 times,” Bigfoot told Wolfie. “I have a lot of sperm in me.”

With all of that pent up sexual energy, the Wack Packer copped to masturbating from time to time, but even that process featured some shocking details. Bigfoot explained that, to get in the mood, he sucks his right thumb while holding his “pecker” in his left hand. “It helps me dream about all the girls I’ve messed around with,” he said.

“There isn’t anything about him that’s normal,” Wolfie noted.

Photo: The Howard Stern Show

The veteran Stern Show correspondent did get to the bottom of what Howard described as the potential Bigfoot origin story, though: While working at a junkyard, Bigfoot revealed that he would frequently drink gasoline, mistaking it for beer. Moreover, Bigfoot told Wolfie that he only completed school through sixth grade and even then was put to work doing janitorial duties instead of attending classes.

Oh yeah, and there was this: “The earliest memory I have, it is? When I used to bounce my head off the pavement, it is, and make myself have accidents, it is, and land on my head.”

Catch Wolfie’s full Embedded with Bigfoot on Howard 100.