Good Morning Everybody!
"Today is a very, very, very big day," Howard told listeners at the open of the show. "Special People Court will be in session later on this morning."
Judge Wendy (the Slow Adult), "the only judge that eats out of a dumpster," will be holding court to decide whether High Pitch Erik or Fred the Elephant Boy is in the wrong in the case that has already gotten High Pitch arrested … like in real life.
Flat Ronnie's Taking Over the World
Ronnie Mund was very excited that Chris Jacobs featured Flat Ronnie on Velocity's Barrett-Jackson Auto Show. He said he's proud that it's letting celebrities "come out" as Stern Show fans by showing their Flat Ronnie.
Before leaving the studio on Monday, the legendary Steve Tyler even demanded one and was seen leaving the building with his in-hand. Additionally, the esteemed Rick's Cabaret will be placing one in their lobby to greet guests soon.
Howard noted that he recently found out Ronnie's last name, Mund, means protection in German. "Do you know what it means in English? Cum in her mouth!" Fred cracked in his best Ronnie voice.
To see more of the prestigious places and people Flat Ronnie has visited, click here.
Jeff the Moody Drunk
Later in the morning Howard picked up on Jeff the Drunk who was fuming about not being able to get through in about a month.
"Jeff, boy you are a bitch," Howard shot at the Wack Packer. Apparently Jeff has been calling Shuli in tears over not being able to get through on the phone.
"I get treated like fucking shit by you!" an enraged Jeff screamed.
Shuli described him as behaving like an angry child – something he does frequently. But in more interesting Jeff news – he was caught masturbating with his cock out on Periscope, a live-streaming service. Jeff claims that he was dirty-talking with a woman, but no one was entirely convinced of the person's gender.
Howard, Robin, and Gary were amazed after looking at screengrabs of the incident because it would appear that Jeff used his limp arm to do that deed. Jeff vehemently denied the accusation, but Gary insisted that he was looking at the photos. See for yourself:
Howard also played a clip of Jeff on Periscope right after he had smoked some THC "wax" and devolved into a depressive state. The audio revealed him telling viewers: "I'm never going to be ok … I'm a bad person."
Howard thought it sounded like Jeff was trying to confess to something, but Jeff maintained he was just upset.
In a renewed fit of rage Jeff hung up on Howard exploding: "You'll never hear from me again!"
This is, of course, something he has said many times before and only minutes later, he was back on the phone. "You're never fucking nice to me Howard!" he whined.
Nevertheless, the conversation turned back to how exactly Jeff masturbates with his limp arm (despite his denials).
The Wack Packer did admit that shortly after that incident (which took place in a hotel), he fell on the floor and couldn't get up. So he called "Room Service" who called the fire department to come help him up. Oh yeah, he was also "buck naked."
"And you're not ashamed of that?" Howard asked.
Special People's Court
You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Wendy. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is her courtroom.
Read about the trial history here.
Howard brought court in session and welcomed Stern staffer Brent Hatley, formerly of Bubba the Love Sponge's Show, into the studio to give some legal guidance. Though not a lawyer himself, Brent handled Bubba's legal briefs over the years, so he "certainly knows enough for the Special People's Court."
Meanwhile, Judge Wendy was in her chambers eating up a storm. "I hope you're diapered up for this case," Howard told her.
Next, Wendy deliberated on the pre-trial motions – which included whether or not she was even fit to deliberate.
Motion #1: Is Wendy fit to be a judge?
Judge Wendy: "I'm half retarded and half human."
Motion #2: Does Judge Wendy have any bias for either High Pitch Erik or Fred the Elephant Boy?
Judge Wendy: "I'm going to do the best I can."
Motion #3: Is High Pitch Erik fit to stand trial? Does he understand the charges?
Judge Wendy: "Whatever happens I hope High Pitch Erik won't be mad at me."
Motion #4: Can the case proceed to trial?
Judge Wendy: "Yes."
During opening statements, Fred the Elephant Boy requested a sidebar with Judge Wendy to consider the fact that she had once made out with Erik in Vegas. Howard clarified with Judge Wendy though that the incident would not come into play during the case.
Elephant Boy also expressed fear that any evidence he introduced during the course of the case would be contorted by Erik during their criminal court case later.
Judge Wendy was a bit dismayed, telling the court: "I cannot quite understand his mumbling."
High Pitch Erik, for his opening statement, admitted regret for what he had done. "I know I threatened Fred … I never meant to do that," he explained.
Brent interjected that since Erik's IQ was measured to be somewhere in the range of 64, Judge Wendy would have to decide if someone with his intellectual capacity could even pull off the threat in reality – which is an important fact.
"Sort of, yeah." Judge Wendy decided.
Evidence and Arguments
Trying to distance attention from the fact that High Pitch may not be physically able to even follow through on his threat (which could alter the outcome of the verdict). Fred evoked knowledge of not being able to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
Erik countered: "But he kept provoking me!"
Judge Wendy, meanwhile, may or may not have pooped in her pants during the discussion. She no doubt almost vomited, telling the court: "I don't know, I sometimes breathe heavy."
Turning back to the evidence, High Pitch offered text of Elephant Boy's comments about his mother … which were oddly just a tweet in support of Erik getting his inheritance. Erik explained that he was upset the comment was made in public. "Not on his Twitter account … He could mention it to me in private," he told Howard.
Wendy wasn't sold on it, telling Erik that Fred probably only has 10 followers reading his tweets.
Robin wondered if Fred was within his rights to continue taunting Erik on Twitter. Judge Wendy was steadfast in her opinion, answering: "Fred the Elephant Boy should just quit posting what he's talking about …He needs to quit pressuring High Pitch because he may, I don't know, may one day get into a fight wit him."
Fred exploded that Erik needed to get off social media. "He has anger issues!" he insisted.
Erik countered, telling him: "Fred I see a therapist every week."
The Most Damning Evidence
CNN Legal Expert Danny Cevallos called in and told the court that New York's high courts had recently weighed in on aggravated harassment, which "Mr. High Pitch" was charged with. The courts reportedly decided that there has to be a believable threat.
Seeing that things weren't going well, Fred swapped focus and revealed that one of Erik's threatening text messages referred to "his people" who were headed to Elephant Boy's house to hurt him.
"That's a pretty serious threat," Howard agreed. Robin was not so convinced, incredulously wondering if it would be the same if Erik threatened to send aliens to Fred's house.
High Pitch Erik apologized and hoped that he could receive a fair judgment: "I just hope Wendy makes the right choice. I just want Fred to stop provoking me. I'm just sorry what I did to Fred."
Elephant Boy meanwhile chided Erik: "You have to be responsible for your actions." Still, Fred agreed that he would "try [his] best" to stop harassing Erik on Twitter. "If there is a flaw in my character, I will acknowledge it."
Judge Wendy told the court that she needed to move it along so that she could make her date with "Dale" at the mall later.
After some serious deliberation, and with regards to both the testimony and evidence presented, the Honorable Judge Wendy found High Pitch Erik to be in the wrong.
Judge Wendy (to High Pitch Erik): "High Pitch, I have to say, I really do love you and I really do have good times when I'm up there or whatever we do, but I have to rule of Elephant Boy because Elephant Boy is right. You have to get a little bit of help and not threaten so many people. "
Judge Wendy (to Fred the Elephant Boy): "And I'm really think that High Pitch Erik needs a little help. And I think the threaten thing is not right. He shouldn't have done that to you."
In an astounding decision, Judge Wendy threw the book at High Pitch Erik. The Wack Packer was slapped with not one, but two punishments: A 30-month takeaway of his Flat Ronnie and a closed-door session in the Special People's Court Gas Chambers where Will the Farter will punish Erik.
Wendy explained her decision: "High Pitch Erik – you need to learn not to threaten people because that's not right. You could one day get in trouble or one day if you're in the wrong place and you threaten somebody else, they could either kill you, knock you out, shoot you, or arrest you right away."
Howard eventually was able to persuade Judge Wendy to minimize the sentence to a three-month takeaway of Erik's Flat Ronnie with the possibility of parole after one month of good behavior.
As for Elephant Boy, Judge Wendy urged him to show some restraint. "Elephant Boy – I think you should Twitters something else except High Pitch Erik," she told him.
Howard was beaming with pride: "Wendy, honest to God, I'm so fucking impressed with you."
Kyle Dunnigan Sits in on the News
Comedian and impressionist Kyle Dunnigan joined Howard, Robin, Fred, and Benjy in the studio for the news today to show off some of his best impressions including Caitlyn Jenner, Donald Trump, and Perez Hilton.
Howard and Kyle also talked about his accomplished resume of comedian girlfriends, which has included both Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman.
Dunnigan also writes for "Inside Amy Schumer" and is currently working on his own show for Comedy Central. Find out more about what Kyle's up to at his website.