Richard Christy Once Lived in a Van With a Toilet for a Passenger Seat
“We’d put ice in [it] and use it as a cooler … you’d have to really be careful which beer you grabbed,” the staffer recountsSeptember 27, 2021
Richard Christy has never been known for his exemplary bathroom habits, but on Monday the Stern Show staffer revealed things used to be even worse back in high school when he was living out of a van.
“He convinced his parents to let him trick out the van and live in it,” Howard told listeners, explaining his staffer had apparently sold them on the idea by insisting he’d no longer drive home drunk from keg parties. “He cut a hole in the floor of the van. If he had to take a shit, he just put a little plastic seat over the hole and then he would shit.”
That’s when Richard chimed in to correct the record just a little. “The passenger seat was a toilet,” he clarified, explaining he purchased it for just five dollars from a neighbor named Stinky. “I bolted it onto the passenger side of the van. There was no seat there. We cut a hole with a welding torch in the bottom.”
Howard could barely believe what he was hearing. “You’d go to a party, you’d be drinking, and if you had to take a shit you’d just go into your van and shit?” he asked.
“I’d let my buddies do it too because it was so funny … They’d just get in the passenger side of my van and we’d watch them and watch their face, their grunting and stuff,” Richard said, explaining he and other onlookers also delighted themselves in bending down below the van and watching the feces drop down to the ground.
“Did you have toilet paper in there?” Howard wondered.
“Yeah, I wasn’t a total heathen,” Richard said, before adding, “Sometimes we’d put ice in [the toilet] and use it as a cooler, too, but like there’d be shit streaks in there. You’d have to really be careful which beer you grabbed.”
Though the human waste dropped right out the bottom of the van, the story didn’t always end there. Richard told Howard that—before his 400-pound friend broke the van toilet—he’d frequently drive around town looking for recent defecations to see how they were holding up.
“I’d just go look to see if an animal ate it or somebody drove through it. Sometimes there’d be like a tire mark through it, and I’d laugh,” Richard said.
Considering how trendy “van life” has become these days, Howard wondered if Richard’s toilet van also doubled as a chick magnet.
“There wasn’t a woman within 100 feet of that van. Ever,” Richard laughed. “Mine looked like it was Jeffrey Dahmer’s van.”