THE FUTURE MRS. ARTIE LANGE?
The Howard Stern Show for December 11, 2007

Howard started the show laughing at how the paparazzi caught Beth O buying four copies of the NY Post yesterday. Howard explained that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner live nearby, so the paparazzi are constantly lying in wait. Since there was a picture of Howard with Beth and his daughter in yesterday's paper, Beth went out to buy a few copies to send to her family, and now she's embarrassed that people might think she's self-absorbed.

Howard played a clip of Benjy and Ivy Supersonic making their public debut as a couple at Lisa G's cookie party. In the clip, Ivy explained that she was wearing handcuffs as jewelry because she was “inspired” by her recent arrest. Howard couldn't believe Benjy put up with Ivy and Sal came in to say that Ivy now text messages him all the time while she's with Benjy – to ask for tickets to Andrew Dice Clay upcoming show.

K.C. Armstrong called in to promote “Rio Heroes 13,” a bare-knuckle fighting tournament he is going to be hosting and told Howard that he was pretty good at chess. K.C. added that he recently set his apartment building's dumpster on fire (by accident) and got a boner while trying to show Leticia Cline some wrestling moves. Howard asked how K.C. convinced Leticia to wrestle him, so K.C. explained that he somehow convinced her to learn about “Rio Heroes” while wearing a bikini.

Howard announced that the second part of Bubba's deal – the part he couldn't talk about yesterday – was an agreement that allowed him to do a show during the morning on terrestrial radio and his regular show on Howard101 in the afternoon. Artie then chuckled again about the other admission Bubba made yesterday; he was once so fat, his fiancée (the one that preceded his current wife, Heather) used to have to wipe his ass for him with a towel.

A caller said Howard was too mean to Shuli, so Shuli came in to say he didn't think Howard ragged on him that often. Shuli then reported that Ross Zapin had confessed that he bought the cookies he submitted to the contest at Lisa G's cookie party. Shuli also cited Richie Beilenson's second “Best Holiday Cookie” victory (winning with the same cookies that his sister's manicurist made for him last year) as a farce.

Howard noted that Benjy's brought in his computer for Jeff Schick from IBM, the show's computer expert, to work on, but Jeff refused to touch it. Gary came in to explain that the whole computer was sticky and food-ridden – even the mouse was “disgusting.” Howard asked Benjy if any of the mess was semen, and Benjy admitted that that was a possibility. Benjy then apologized to Jeff, saying he didn't think about how gross it must be to touch someone else's computer.

Howard played a clip from last night's Chuck Zito Show in which Chuck told a story about getting a blowjob from a crazy Asian girl. JD came in to note that Chuck's usual co-host, a guy who Chuck won't name because of outstanding warrants, was absent last night – probably because he was arrested again. Howard then played a clip of Chuck threatening a caller who was calling him queer and said that Chuck's show was probably the best on Sirius.

Zeb Atlas stopped by to tell Howard about being a “straight” guy who stars in gay porn. Robin told Zeb that having sex with men was gay, but Zeb claimed he didn't have “full-on sex” with men, explaining that he started out as a bodybuilder, “personal trainer,” and model before he learned that he could make a lot of money masturbating for the camera. Zeb added that, for a long time, he never knew his masturbation videos were being marketed to gay men.

Howard asked if Zeb how far he'd gone with other men on video, so Zeb said he'd been jerked off and had guys cum on him. Zeb also noted that he gets pressured all the time to do more on camera, but so far, he's managed to resist. Howard thought it was “very gay” that Zeb would let another man jerk him off, kiss another man, and let a dude cum on his chest. Zeb then said he's never allowed a man to blow him.

Zeb told the crew that his videos have made him a millionaire, and (for up to $10,000) he also “goes to the theater” with rich gay guys. Robin asked Zeb if he has sex with the men he escorts, so Zeb replied that he only lets them jerk him off or blow him. Howard asked Zeb if he knew what “gay” meant, but Zeb joked that he thought “gay” just meant “happy.” Zeb then revealed that he was dating Devon Michaels, a (female) porn star.

Howard asked if Zeb would take it in the ass for the right amount of money, so Zeb admitted that his girlfriend has put things in his ass before, adding that he'd probably blow a guy before he became an on-camera bottom. Gary came in to ask if Zeb was bi, but Zeb claimed he was “just sexual” and speculated that Gary might enjoy the feeling of a man as well. Howard asked if Zeb would ever let a man cum on his face, but Zeb said no; “that's out of line.”

Howard then asked the crew if they thought Zeb was gay. Fred thought Zeb was bi at least, with “gay high notes;” Artie voted “gay;” and Robin said Zeb was 80% gay. Howard thought Zeb was so gay, he even dreamed of men. Richard came in to say that even he thought Zeb was “flamingly gay,” but Artie shot back that Zeb does gay acts for pay while Richard does them for a “goof.” Richard admitted that Artie had a point and asked Zeb to take his shirt off, so Zeb obliged.

Howard asked Richard to show Zeb his penis, so Richard whipped it out, saying he was only doing so because Howard asked. After being prodded by Howard again, Richard also showed Zeb his asshole. Howard then demanded that Richard sit through a lapdance from Zeb, and as it was going on, Artie shouted that Richard was way too into it.

Lisa Lampanelli stopped by to promote her comedy album, which has been nominated for a Grammy. Lisa told the crew that she learned about her Grammy nomination while at her new home at the Canyon Ranch, a spa resort community in Arizona. Howard asked if she banged any of the spa employees, so Lisa confessed that she hadn't yet – but she did recently score with one of the Chicago Bears' rookies.

Lisa explained that the guy pursued her through her Website, and she loved his kind Southern demeanor. Lisa added that his penis was so curved, it hurt her to have sex with him, but she liked when he asked mid-thrust if he was her “first NFL dick.” Lisa then told Howard how she wouldn't mind losing to any of the other comedy album Grammy nominees except for “Flight of the Conchords,” because she hates “hip and cool.”

Howard asked Lisa about the Gene Simmons Roast, and Lisa told the crew that she did the roast as a favor to Shannon Tweed. Lisa claimed that Donald Trump and a bunch of other cool people were supposed to be there, but none of them ended up coming – and she didn't even get paid. Lisa then complained that Carrot Top and Ralphie May were there, and Steve O peed on the dais several times.

Howard welcomed Danielle, the latest Miss HowardTV, to the studio, and Artie said she was the hottest chick he'd ever seen...and meant it! Robin told Artie to come up with another line, but Artie countered that he wasn't a poet. Howard asked Danielle if she was hit on all the time, so she claimed that women approach her more than men. Howard then remarked that he knew Artie was interested, because he put down the cheeseburger and chocolate shake he had been eating.

Artie became even more enamored with Danielle when she revealed that she was of Sicilian descent, usually dated Italians, AND lived in New Jersey. Robin wondered if she would actually date Artie, and she said she would – so Artie told her he'd pick her up at 7. Howard asked Danielle for her measurements, so Danielle confessed that she was 5'4”, 105lbs, and 34C-24-34. Howard then told her she was absolutely perfect.

Howard and Artie admired Danielle's ass, and both of them felt she was a “10.” Fred thought she was just a 9, citing her nose as the main reason, but Howard said was Fred was crazy. Artie said this segment was depressing him because he didn't believe Danielle was being genuine about wanting to date him, but after she left, Teddy came in to present him with her number and Fred acknowledged that if Danielle ended up marrying Artie, he would up her score from a 9 to an 11.

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