GARY GARVER WAS FIRED
Howard got Gary Garver on the line to discuss a recent interview he gave in which he complained about Howard. Howard explained that Gary actually wanted the show to discuss his firing--and obliged: "We fired him." Howard said he didn't understand why Gary was so angry: "I resent what he said. I'm gonna be honest with you...you said horrible things about me." Gary shrugged: "I did put you down. I mean..."
Howard couldn't figure out Gary's reasoning: "Generally in our business, being fired isn't a good thing...I felt that the nice thing to do was not to go on the air and say 'Gary Garver is out of control.'" Gary complained that the clips Howard played from the interview in question didn't include the positive things he'd said about the show: "You played one minute of what I said!"
GARVER LAYS CLAIM TO 'A DAY IN THE LIFE'
Gary admitted that he still had a problem with Doug Goodstein, claiming he stole Gary's concept for 'A Day in the Life'-themed episodes on HowardTV: "It was a concept I came up with where I follow a porn-star around for a day and see how they live." Howard laughed: "You came up with that?" Gary clarified: "I came up with the porn-star concept." Howard said the concept was older than Gary’s and repeated that he kept Gary's firing off the air for his own benefit: "I was trying to do it out of respect...I didn't want to put your business on the air."
Howard got Dan the Song Parody Man on the line to offer him some airtime to have a 'comedy showdown' with Shuli. Dan refused: "What you're offering is not the proper forum to do that." Shuli disagreed, saying he was up for the showdown--no matter the venue. Howard sided with Shuli: "Dan, if you're funny and Shuli's funny, come on in here and let's get it on!"
Shuli taunted Dan: "The last time I saw you perform was in the Poconos...you could hear the air conditioning humming." Shuli added that his own set might've confused Dan: "That sound you heard was laughter." Howard laughed: "This is like Andrew Dice Clay versus Sam Kinison except nobody cares...I'm surprised you guys are playing venues with air conditioning." Shuli joked that he was deleting Dan from his Facebook 'friends' list: "Unfriended. Done deal."
THE MEDICATED PETE DATING GAME
Howard welcomed Pete to the studio and had him sit down next to the three Medicated Pete Dating Game contestants: Dynah, Chris and Lila. Howard first addressed Dynah, asking if she was troubled by Pete’s tendency to shoot in his pants during strip club visits. Dynah shrugged: “It could be a little daunting, you know.”
Dynah said she suffered from Friedreich’s Ataxia, a degenerative disease that’s left her in a wheelchair. Howard asked if she’d ever encountered anyone who had wheelchair fetish, and she nodded (“It kinda trips me out a little.”), explaining that pictures of herself get a lot of hits on the Internet – particularly the ones of her wearing flip-flops: “It’s the combination of the feet and the chair.”
A WHEELCHAIR WON’T STOP HER
Dynah claimed her disability didn’t hinder her in the bathroom: “Sometimes I might have trouble balancing in certain positions.” Howard then gave Pete an opportunity to ask a question – so Pete asked: “What’s your thinking about me so far?” Dynah replied: “You seem pretty cool…but you seem like you need to be coaxed out of your shell a little.” Pete was typically effusive: “Sounds good.”
A BIG EX-CON WITH BIG BOOBS
Chris, the second contestant, said she was an ex-con: “I got out July 3rd.” Howard observed that Chris was a large woman, leading Chris to explain: “I put on a lot of weight in jail. All they do is feed you carbs.” Howard thought she’d be perfect for Pete if he was a breast man, and Pete continued to break ground: “I actually am into breasts.”
Chris said she was convicted for stealing funds from her employer: “I was in charge of the books and I had a big gambling problem…I would write checks to myself and put ‘em in – put ‘em in my account.” For his question, Pete asked what Riker’s Island was like, and Chris said it was “rough” but dorm-like: “Some of them were hostile toward me ‘cause – ‘cause I’m white.”
SHE’S A GIVER
Chris told the crew she like giving oral sex more than receiving it, prompting Artie to joke: “Pete, your dreamboat has docked.” Howard appreciated Chris’ perspective, saying he knew a lot of women who liked giving oral more than receiving: “Especially when I’m the one giving it.”
AND FINALLY, MINI JENNY
Howard then turned to the final contestant, Lila: “You look like Jenny McCarthy but you’re a ‘little person’ as they say.” Lila was surprised, claiming Howard was the first person to tell her that. Lila said she was excited to meet Pete, as she didn’t have sex very much – but had gotten lucky the other day: “Sunday was my birthday.” Lila went on to say she was very sexual: “I’m uninhibited. I’m very comfortable.”
Howard wondered how a normal-sized man like Pete would match up with Lila in bed, so Lila admitted her vagina was in for it: “It’s little. Yeah. It’s just – the angles and stuff can be a little difficult...but I do like the feeling of a man on top of me.”
AND THE ROSE GOES TO…
Pete then announced: “Ladies and gentleman, I give the rose to Dynah!” Asked why he picked her, Pete explained: “I feel I have a connection with her.” Dynah felt the same way: “I’m really excited.” Howard laughed that Pete looked smitten, and Robin agreed: “They look really cute together.”
