PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THE HOWIE
The Howard Stern Show for December 2, 2009

Howard told the crew he ran into Ivanka Trump at a recent film premiere, and Ivanka was more than beautiful: "Boy, she's a nice girl. I gotta hand it to Trump." Howard said Ivanka even spent some time talking to his daughter: "She's a nice person and knows how to talk to people." Robin thought more credit should go to Ivanka rather than to her father, and Howard agreed: "She could be stuck up and rich. That would make sense, you know...and she wasn't a dick."

Richard came in to tell the crew that Sal's penis got a little chubbed up when he was painting it for the 'Santa Balls' costume yesterday, laughing that he it was pretty easy to see the evidence of Sal’s wood: "When it shrunk the paint was cracking."

Sal came in to shoot back that it was Richard who insisted on painting him: "Within 20 seconds he whipped out like 20 paintbrushes and dropped to his knees like he was gonna blow me." Sal also said he once painted Richard's penis as well – and Richard got hard himself. Richard laughed: "Yeah. A little bit. There was a little bit of movement."

Sal went on to tell a story about paying some 'trampy skank' to give Richard a handjob – and then watching: "She takes his own hand and puts it on his cock and jerks it up and down. She wouldn't even touch his cock!" Richard confirmed it: "I think she had a finger on my elbow or something." Sal figured the she'd probably just finished blowing some crack addict but was still disgusted by Richard: "She [wouldn't] even touch his penis."

Asked how things were going with his wife, Sal confessed that he had a new method of initiating sex: "I'll tap the bed, like, 'Time for action!'" Sal said his wife has taken to calling him 'CBB' – which stands for Commercial-Break Boy – explaining that she'll wait for an 'Oprah' commercial break before letting him mount up: "She says, 'Alright. Get on top, CBB.'"

Richard asked if Sal could finish before Oprah got back from the break, and Sal nodded: "Oh yeah. When you don't get laid as often as I do, you can finish in seconds." Sal added: "She used to call me 'The Treadmill' too...she looked at me more as a calorie burner than as a lover." Howard wondered why they were still together, but Sal just shrugged: "We get along. I don't know how we do but we do."

Howard wondered if Sal would be more dedicated to his wife's pleasure if she were someone else, like Melissa Zapin. Sal said he would – especially if it were a long-legged woman like Mary Dell'Abate: "I just picture those legs wrapping around my head like a tarantula drawing a beetle in...she is one hot piece of vagine."

Howie Mandel stopped by to promote his new book 'Here's the Deal: Don't Touch Me,' and confessed that he could no longer use Purell anti-bacterial lotion because he's used so much of it that he’s destroyed all the antibodies on his hands and has started getting warts as a result. Howie said his OCD has also gotten in the way of his recent book tour, as he's afraid to greet fans and sign their books: "I wore a mask yesterday."

Howie told the crew he'd once even built a second home in his old house's backyard to avoid his family's germs when they were sick – at any given time, he was the only one allowed inside. Howard sympathized, saying he'd dealt with OCD himself, but Howie complained that it was almost insurmountable. He's gone so far as to buy a $6,000 toilet that opens and closes itself and has a bidet built-in: 'It's like a power wash. It's like sand-blasting...I turn the pressure up so high, I'm actually hovering. I'm hovering on a geyser."

Howie said he washes any cash before he touches it, explaining that he has his wife put any bills in his pants pocket before they go through the laundry: “I've never been to an ATM." Howie said the disease could be the death of him: "I don't touch handrails. I fall a lot." Howard asked why he had to keep himself in a metaphorical prison, so Howie shrugged it was just a way of life for him: "I don't sleep. I have the TV on all night. I'm never comfortable."

"It's a tough deal. I think NBC made a tough deal."

Former Minnesota Governor Jesse 'The Body' Ventura stopped by to promote his new TruTV 'Conspiracy Theory' show, and – despite his dedication to uncovering secrets – complained that the media was over-reporting the Tiger Woods scandal: "It's nobody's business...there's a difference between what the public needs to know and what they don't."

Jesse said he'd recently reported on a bizarre government-funded project in Alaska that groups 380 radio antennas – each emitting 50,000 watts: "Its frequency is set to the identical frequency of the human brain." Jesse continued: "They call this an 'unclassified research center.' Well, then why wouldn't they let me in?" Jesse added that the site is funded by DARPA, "the most mysterious part of the Pentagon," to the tune of $250 million.

Jesse told the crew he knew the US was in trouble in Afghanistan, as – according to him – we've made allies of convicted heroin dealers. Howard asked Jesse when he decided everything was a lie, and Jesse cited former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara's admission that the Gulf of Tonkin Incident – the event that convinced the United States to enter the Vietnam War – never happened.

The crew listened to an old tape from Lisa G's hip-hop radio days in which she – and the rest of the morning show's cast – performed their 'Roll Call' bit. Lisa came in to laugh that she even raps in the bit, leading Howard and the crew to mockingly create a 'Roll Call' of their own.

Later, Howard asked if Lisa has had sex since starting her job at Sirius, and Lisa nodded: "I've dated. Yes." Robin laughed that Ronnie the Limo Driver would like to be one of Lisa's lucky dates, so Ronnie came in to reply: "She's gotta buy me dinner first, though." Howard tried to picture the pair having a romantic evening at Ronnie's home, but Ronnie said he'd never have Lisa over: "Nooo. A nice hotel on Queens Boulevard."

Meredith Baxter is a lesbian.

Steven Seagal's 'Lawman' is now on the air.

President Obama addressed the nation last night.

John Gotti Jr. is a free man.

Michael Vick claims he’s learned his lesson.

Marilyn Monroe might've been a pothead.

Mother-son incest is on the rise.

Regis had hip surgery yesterday.

'Survivor' is the top reality show of the decade.

Rihanna confirms that the nude photos of her on the Internet are really her.

'Brothers' is in theaters this weekend.