WHAT WOULDN’T SHE DO
The Howard Stern Show for May 14, 2008

Howard started the show noting the amazing job Jerry O'Connell did on the “Wrap Up Show” yesterday and played a clip of Jerry's shocking revelations. In the clips, Jerry admitted that his wife, Rebecca Romijn, loved to check out other Dutch women when they visit the Netherlands every year, has a few annoying friends, and once punched him in the neck after getting angry at him for lying to her.

Howard announced that he didn't want to keep up this morning schedule when his contract with Sirius was up – but he might just take a six month vacation and come back in the afternoons. As everyone proposed different scenarios and schedules, Howard clarified - he wouldn't want to set up the contract before his six month break, as he'd just think about having to return to the air the whole time: “It'd drive me crazy.”

William Shatner stopped by to promote his new book, “Up Till Now,” and Howard commended him for his inclusion on Entertainment Weekly's “Top 50 TV Icons” list. Bill replied that he's never been able to watch any of the “Star Trek” episodes that made him an icon, as he didn’t think he was such a great actor. Howard then asked Bill about his infamous exchange with a voiceover recording engineer. Bill explained that the engineer's input/feedback was horrible and Howard agreed.

Howard wondered how Bill treated the other actors on “Star Trek,” and Bill fessed up to being an ass: “I may very well be guilty of all that...I was a very angry man.” Bill added that George Takei's statements about him could be the result of a homosexual obsession (on George’s part). Howard asked Bill if he was bitter about not being cast in the new “Star Trek” movie, but Bill avoided the question, preferring instead to discuss the unsatisfactory way Captain Kirk was killed off in the last one.

Howard ribbed Bill for plugging his Website twice in his book and asked why he chose this book to finally write about his third wife's death. Bill said he was automatically under suspicion after her death, so he wanted to publicly explain the situation “for my children”: “It was a terrible terrible experience.” Bill claimed he would act differently if the situation happened again, but the sight of his wife face-down in a pool shocked him: “I looked there and I had the phone in my hand and I looked and dialed the phone...I felt disembodied...There's no explaining what you feel at [a] moment of horror and crisis.”

Howard got Jon Favreau on the line to congratulate him on the success of “Iron Man,” especially the idea to cast Robert Downey Jr. Jon thanked Howard and said it was important to work with a great actor in a movie like “Iron Man,” as a superhero could seem unreal without a human face. Howard rejoiced at the opportunity to geek out over superheroes, and Robin told Jon that “Iron Man” was the best superhero movie she'd ever seen. Jon said he was glad they enjoyed the film – he dedicated two years of his life to it.

Howard told Jon he'd be smart to direct a sequel, and Jon said he was in negotiations to do just that, adding that if he does strike a deal, he'd like to cover the “drunken Iron Man” storyline. Ralph called in to say he loved the movie's believability, but thought Jeff Bridges' character took to his own suit much too fast. Jon admitted that Jeff's character covered a lot of ground quickly and promised to really hit the sequel out of the park. Howard asked Jon if he thought Robert would be able to keep his demons under control after the movie's success, but Jon explained there was no need for concern, as Robert was “scary”-dedicated to his sobriety.

Howard played a clip from the “Wrap Up Show” last week when Tim Sabean and Scott the Engineer got into a fight. In the clips, Scott argued that his expertise was being ignored and management decisions concerning the engineering aspect of the show were made without his input, so Tim shot back that his decisions were more informed than Scott knew. Howard said Scott was the world's worst arguer, as he never has evidence to back his arguments – and he usually picks the wrong fights.

Scott came in to say there was evidence behind his argument, but he couldn't discuss it on the air. Howard laughed that Sirius' CEO, Mel Karmazin, didn't seem to like Scott either, and Gary came in to confirm the story: Mel once demanded that Scott never – ever – be allowed to work overtime. Scott also admitted he probably hadn't helped things when he asked for a million-dollar salary during the show's move to Sirius.

Tabitha Stevens stopped by to play “What Would Tabitha Stevens Do [to get on the show]?” Howard explained that Gary pitched a bunch of stunts to Tabitha, and she agreed to go through with several of them. Tabitha admitted that she became upset when Howard wouldn't book her on the show (“I miss you guys.”) and would do almost anything to come back. Tabitha also ran down her recent plastic surgeries: chin implant removal, nose reconstruction and facial fat injections (for a more “natural” look). Howard then played the clips of Gary pitching the ideas to Tabitha, and asked the crew to guess which ones she agreed to:

Would you bite JD's penis until it bled a little bit? Robin: No. Howard: Yes. Artie: Yes. Tabitha: Yes! “But he'd have to get tested first.”

Would you hide a AA battery in your ass and try to get through airport security? Robin: Yes. Artie: “I think she'd shove Double A in her ass.” Tabitha: Yes!

Would you gargle or drink a cup of cat urine? Howard: No. Robin: No. Artie: She would gargle, but not drink.” Tabitha: No.

Would you smear some of your period blood on Yucko's face? Everyone said yes, and so did Tabitha: “Oh, yeah.”

Would you live with bears in a zoo? Robin: Yes. Artie: No. Howard: Yes. Tabitha: Yes.

Would you eat a cooked dead person? Howard: No. Robin: No. Artie: No. Tabitha: No, but “I'd have sex with it...so long as it wasn't cold.”

Would you bang Artie? Tabitha: “Yes...My husband would have to say yes...it could be a good possibility.”

Would you allow us to raise a hamster in your vagina? Everyone said no. Tabitha: No.

Would you bang a kid with Down's Syndrome and a weak bladder? Everyone said yes. Tabitha: Yes!

Would you have sex with a HIV positive man wearing a condom? Everyone said no. Tabitha: No.

Would you let a live cockroach crawl into your vagina? Robin and Howard: Yes. Artie: No. Tabitha: “No way!”

Would you tongue-kiss Jeff the Drunk's ass blister? Tabitha: “No way.”

Would you taste-test every staffer's sperm sample? Tabitha: “Yes! That's funny. I like that one the best.”

Tabitha agreed to eat a cupcake covered in Gary's toenail clippings, so Gary then came in and clipped his toenails over a cupcake - and Tabitha ate it up! Everyone screamed in disgust, and Gary awkwardly/creepily thanked her. Artie began to think he could no longer go through with his plan to bang Tabitha: “I don't want to insult her, but that gives [me] pause...but she really is hot.”

Howard brought in John the Stutterer because he claims to be in love with Tabitha and wanted to – in John's words - “French kiss her hot, sexy asshole and vagina.” John came in naked and was greeted with a round of moans from the crew. John said he was nervous but then bent over and showed everyone – as promised – a clear view of his rectum. The crew was particularly disgusted by the toilet paper remnants in John's ass, so John explained that he was a compulsive wiper. Tabitha then stripped down for John and said, “Maybe we can do some kind of Website thing.” John, of course, agreed, citing his previous porn experience as proof he'd follow through.

Artie announced that he'd rehired Teddy, but not as an assistant: “As a stage manager on the road. Like a road manager.” Howard thought Artie was crazy, but Artie explained that all assistant duties would belong to someone else. Howard was still resistant to the idea: “Keep me out of this.” Despite Howard's reservations, Artie denied that the urge to choke Teddy would resurface: “It's gonna work.”

• The National Enquirer allegedly bought medical information from LA-area hospitals.

• James Garner had a stroke.

• A lesbian sued a restaurant for kicking her out of its women's restroom.

• The woman who fell off a cruise ship might have been trying to climb between decks.

• Oprah's “Big Give” has been canceled.

• Drew Barrymore was the victim of a recent hit-and-run accident.

• The father of “American Idol” contestant David Archuletta has been banned from the show’s backstage area.

• Remy Ma's wedding went awry after her conviction.

• Sue Simmons might have been “tipsy.”

• Barbara Walters is catching hell.