A TALE OF TWO HELMETS
The Howard Stern Show for September 2, 2010

Howard played some clips of Ronnie the Limo Driver presenting at the Exotic Dancer Awards recently and complained that Ronnie was a poor representative of the show: "Ronnie's really not from The Howard Stern Show." Ronnie came in to defend the attacks on the comedically bad 'jokes' he'd made before presenting an award: "I was wasted [but] I wasn't wasted-wasted." Howard thought Ronnie had found yet another persona: "This is stand-up comedy Ronnie...Ronnie Dangerfield."

Howard said he'd seen some of the other footage that HowardTV's Mike Gange shot of Ronnie's weekend in Vegas--and was repulsed, calling it "the creepiest thing ever." In one of the clips, Ronnie was evaluating exotic dancers: "That smile? It makes you wanna f’ the shit outta her." Howard promised that we hadn't heard anything yet: "This is going to be the creepiest special in the history of HowardTV."

In the next few clips, Ronnie began evaluating dancers by telling each how they exemplified the "definition" of different words and phrases, including "adorable," "smokin' hot," "super sexy," "one of a kind that you can bring home to your momma" and "a league of her own." HowardTV played some footage in which a stripper confessed to a nipple fetish and began rubbing Ronnie's chest. Howard was repulsed: "I have a nipple fetish? You have a liver spot fetish."

Ronnie said Gange had been hacking and coughing the entire trip--when he wasn't eating--HowardTV's Doug Goodstein echoed the complaint: "My office is right next to him and the walls shake when he has his cough thing. I don't know. I think he's just prone to upper-respiratory problems." Gange called in to confirm the respiratory issues and to deny poor eating habits: "I eat relatively well...it's not like I'm eating crazy stuff all the time."

Howard noted that Ronnie was wearing some uncharacteristically dark sunglasses on yesterday's Wrap-Up Show, so Ronnie explained that he'd gone outside and had to run back in: "They bothered everyone for some reason." Howard laughed at Ronnie for having separate indoor and outdoor sunglasses: "Ronnie was outside looking at the eclipse?"

Howard said he had a '5 point plan' for the show after his Sirius XM contract expires in December: "I know what the future is." Howard explained: "One of the points is if we decide to stay here...again, if we decide to stay here." The other 4 points are the other 4 options--one of which (retirement) has already been taken off the table, but until then: "For four months I'm a company man."

Howard said he'd been so proud of the Iron Man helmet Jon Favreau sent him the other day that he'd texted Ralph a photo of his new office display--only to have Ralph text a photo of his own Iron Man helmet: "Ralph's got the same goddamn Iron Man head...I am so disgusted. I am taking the Iron Man head and throwing it out the window." Howard fumed: "Why does Favreau do this to me? Am I a bad person?"

Ralph called in to one-up Howard again: "Actually, is yours made of metal? Mine is." Howard was pissed as the mask was plastic: "No!" Howard complained that he'd even thanked Jon with a long note and a photo of his bookshelf display--even carefully selecting the books visible in the photo: "There's a Thesaurus and a dictionary and quotes from the Bible." Howard said he'd soured on Iron Man memorabilia: "Favreau, stop sending me things. It's not working out."

Jon Favreau later called in to explain the significance of Howard's Iron Man head: "There's not a real Iron Man. They make a lot of helmets when they first produce the movie...I will never let you have something in your house that Ralph has." Jon said it truly was one of a kind--or three: "There are only two people that have what you have that I know of. Robert Downey Jr. got one for his birthday and I have one." Howard was indifferent: "I'm happy with my Iron Man head, ok? It's just that when I throw it out the window, I won't be so sad."

Eric the Midget called in to suggest that Howard make a trip to Vegas or the West Coast before his contract's end--and to ask, yet again, if he could be the show's red carpet correspondent at the VMAs. Howard asked if Eric was promising to ask any questions the show wrote for him, and Eric confirmed: "You got that correct." In turn, Howard promised Eric a shot at redemption: "It'll be like the end of a Hollywood movie. Go get 'em, champ!"

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items--three (allegedly) true, one false--and the crew has to pick out the fake. This week's stories:

1. Oprah Winfrey sent out an assistant to purchase a blender for her 'protein drink'--with a $40 limit.

2. Nick Cannon insists on having moisturizing handsoap available at his charity appearances.

3. Eminem wants to play The Riddler in the new Batman movie.

4. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett made their son give 10% of his 'Karate Kid' compensation to the Church of Scientology.

Howard, Robin and Fred all zeroed in on the Will Smith item--and were correct.

Steve Langford reported that Benjy's 43rd birthday was approaching, and, as expected, Benjy bristled at the news, asking repeatedly: "Hey Steve, what's your last name?"

Steve answered "Langford" several times, but Benjy wasn't satisfied: "Why don't you say your full real name, Steve?" Steve was confused, so Benjy tried a different tack: "You said I'm lying [about my age]! What was the lie?" Howard quickly tired of Benjy's shtick and asked Steve to move on.

A doctor died trying to climb down her boyfriend's chimney.

Ashton Kutcher says he didn't cheat on Demi Moore.

Paris Hilton has been banned from the Wynn casino.

'Dancing with the Stars' starts soon.

Apple will launch a music-based social network.

Muslim leaders say the Ground Zero Mosque is not an affront to American values.

Betty White's career is on fire.