REAL OR FAKE?
The Howard Stern Show for September 13, 2004

Mark Cuban, the multi billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks came in early to promote his new reality show "The Benefactor" that is supposedly a lot like the Donald Trump show the Apprentice. Howard told Mark that Trump hasn't said many nice things about Cuban in the press and basically accuses him of ripping off his show. Cuban laughed it off saying that Trump can say whatever he wants. Cuban then said that in terms of real wealth, he's probably richer than Trump, because he isn't in debt. He said he's worth close to $2 billion but if he evaluated his wealth like Trump did, he'd be able to say he's worth $9 billion. Mark commented on the fact that the second season of the Apprentice isn't off to a great start ratings wise and blamed it on the fact that the show is old already, and he has the fresh, new show out there now. He even has his own "You're fired" type slogan. On his show, when a contestant is out, he says "No Balls, no Babies"

° He once slept with 7 women at once, back in the early 80's

° He knows Michael Powell and told him he thinks the whole FCC going after Howard thing is ridiculous. Powell told him that the rules are the rules and there is nothing he can do about it

° Cubes took four years off after selling his first company and making a million dollars. He traveled and partied a lot.

° Mark owns two planes, one of them a tricked out 757 that he took all his friends out on for his bachelor party. He also bought a G-5 off the internet.

° Once, at a party Trump was throwing, Donald pointed out a group of rich people eating in the VIP section and told Mark, who was already a billionaire, that maybe one day they'll have enough money to eat there.

The beautiful Heather Locklear came in to promote her new show LAX. Howard right away commented on how great she still looked and wondered whether or not her breasts were real. Heather insisted they were but Howard didn't believe her and wanted to touch them. Heather told him several times he could, but as soon as he got up to touch them she pulled away, saying she was just kidding. Howard was bummed, but she promised he could touch them later. She just didn't want to touch them on camera. After the commercial break Howard said that she did let him touch them, but Robin said it looked to her like he only touched them for a second.

Heather used to be married to Tommy Lee and since Pamela Anderson claims that Lee physically abused her, Howard asked if he did the same thing to Locklear. Heather said no, though he could be abusive in other ways though, like mentally. She said he was very tiring because there were no slow, quiet moments with him, it is like he's always on 11 and hyped up. He would never just chill out. Howard asked if she considered how he used his giant penis on her as abuse, and Locklear said it wasn't even the biggest penis she saw. Howard wondered if that meant that her current husband Richie Sambora had a bigger penis and she said that Richie's was big and nice, they are all nice. Howard kept pressing her on whose penis was bigger, and she finally said that Richie has a lot of "girth".

A guy who claimed he was a huge Heather Locklear fan and would do anything to meet her showed up, so everyone decided if he got in a bikini and let them throw things at him, he could meet her. He said yes to that right away and pretty soon everyone was hurling whip cream pies, chocolate cupcakes and chunks of Spam at him. The Spam was hitting him so hard that it was starting to leave red welts on his back, so Howard eventually called a stop to it. After all that the guy, who's name was Jay, didn't have much to say other than that he was a big fan of Heather's. Howard let him take a picture with her and meet her real fast during the break.

Comedian Bernie Mac was on to promote his new movie Mr. 3000 which Artie said he's dying to see. Howard started goofing on him because Bernie had always said he wasn't going to go "Hollywood" and in the past had always showed up here by himself, but today he had like five people with him. Those people included a friend, a personal publicist, a movie studio publicist, a hair stylist and a make up artist. Bernie insisted he was not going Hollywood and didn't even want all those people, but he had to have them for the movie promotion. Everyone really ragged on him for having a hair stylist though, since his hair is just a short cropped afro. Bernie took the mocking in good stride, but by the end of the interview he confessed that basically the hair dresser and others in his entourage were family members who needed jobs, so he created something for them to do. He then mumbled that you cannot fire family.

° Bernie saw Beetlejuice and Hank the Dwarf fighting on an old E! Show the other night and thought it was so funny he called six friends to watch it with him

° Bernie is a season away from having his show reach the syndication point and that is when he'll start to really make a lot of money.

° Bernie is under the impression that Howard is worth $400 million

° Mac took the part in Mr. 3000 after Denzel Washington, Tom Hanks and Richard Gere turned it down.

° Bernie has what he calls an "elephant trunk" meaning he's uncircumcised.

° Bernie once tied a rock and a string to the end of his penis trying to make it bigger because his cousins' penis was so big that he could tie it in a knot, and Bernie thought he should be able to do the same thing.

Howard revealed that Robin, who swears she'll move to an island if Bush wins re-election, was telling E! Show director Scott DePace that she has a friend who will be able to tell her ahead of time who will win the election and that if she hears Bush is going to win, she'll start shopping for.

Towards the end of the show a woman showed up out of nowhere saying she needed to get on the show to talk to Howard so he can help her career in modeling and singing. Her name is Zenaida Perez and when she came in the studio Howard said she was pretty hot, though she could lose some weight. Perez said she had already lost a of weight and had only 7 more pounds to lose. Howard suggested should aim for another 15. She then sang and danced a little for Howard and said she was going to meet with people a the Ford modeling agency about a gig. Howard suggested she take off the black eyeliner she had around her lips because it made her looks like she had a mustache. She then left the studio to take pictures for the website, but Richie Wilson from E! came running back in the studio to say that Perez was crying in the hall. It turns out that Perez was all over the emotional map, saying on the one hand she was crying because she got a call that someone heard her on the show and wanted to meet her about a job, and she was so happy she was crying. She said she was also crying because she didn't know what to do now. She had thought that someone here would take her to meet P Diddy so they could start working on her career, and then started when she realized that Howard wasn't going to talk to her off the air. She really started balling hard in the studio and kept repeating the fact that she was "real" over and over. Howard wondered where her boyfriend was and Artie said probably busy removing his ears.