MR. JENNA JAMESON
The Howard Stern Show for November 30, 2006

Howard began today playing the cover of “Purple Haze” performed by the death metal band, Six Feet Under, which again caused him to wonder how anyone could listen to the lead singer’s voice. However, when Howard played a few songs by Caninus – a band whose lead singer is a pit bull – he acknowledged that he had found a new favorite death metal group. Robin noted she felt having a dog growl over music made it easy for Caninus to write lyrics, adding she didn’t think the band could ever perform live. Richard acknowledged that Six Feet Under and Caninus were “acquired tastes,” but also said he listened to them when he “worked out a lot.”

When Artie suggested Six Feet Under come into the studio and play Elton John’s “Your Song,” Howard recalled that, years ago, Scott DePace claimed he couldn’t listen to Elton’s music once he found out he was gay. After Artie admitted he was “a close-minded dick” but even he didn’t feel the same way about Elton’s music, Scott came into the studio to say he thought the same way about other gay musicians like Freddy Mercury, and also didn’t enjoy “The Departed” because he couldn’t help but think about Alec Baldwin’s liberalism whenever he saw him on the screen.

Howard then mentioned he’d heard Scott refused to take his kids to see the movie, “Happy Feet,” and asked him if it was true. Scott responded Howard was, in fact, right, and explained he was under the impression – through a conversation he had with a neighbor – the film dealt with global warming and was “anti-plastic,” which he admitted were two “political topics” he didn’t want his kids to see in a movie.

Howard got to clips of Carnie Wilson admitting on “Entertainment Tonight” that she was an alcoholic, and he replied, given her gastric bypass surgery and other weight issues, he thought Carnie made the announcement just so she could be accepted into another group. After Carnie mentioned she considered fellow celebrity alcoholics, Mel Gibson and Robin Williams, her “peeps,” Howard noted he had read that Mel was planning to contact Michael Richards about his recent racist remarks, which he acknowledged didn’t surprise him.

This led Howard to say people he saw at the North Shore Animal League’s Dogcademy Awards last night were talking about Richards, but, instead of getting into the details, asked Artie about the size of the bag of the M&Ms he was eating, which he figured was a large. Artie replied, though, that the bag was actually only a medium, and added, according to the bag, there were nine servings in it, with each amounting to 220 calories.

Howard got back to the awards, commenting that he ran into Steve Schirripa of “The Sopranos” at the ceremony, and all Steve talked about was how funny he thought Artie was at Mario Batali’s recent roast. Artie noted he was relieved with Howard’s report, explaining he got the impression Steve was upset with some of the jokes he told at the roast – like the one about him looking like Kiefer Sutherland after being stung by bees.

Artie brought up that he accidentally rolled into an intersection near the Lincoln Tunnel earlier this week, and that three cars almost smashed into before it was over. Artie reported that once he collected his thoughts following the incident, he looked for a statue of St. Christopher, which his mother had always given him for his cars throughout his life, but couldn’t find one. Given this, Artie acknowledged he felt some religious item which saved his life was in the car, and, after a thorough search, he found the Mass card he got at Gary’s father’s funeral, and figured that must be what saved him. Artie then mentioned he decided he was never going to remove the card from his car, and that his mom recommended the same thing to him when he told her about the incident.

Artie next told a story about the time Norm MacDonald got upset with him on an airplane because he hadn’t called his mother before the flight – a practice he said he always did because she prayed for his safety in the sky – which prompted Howard to read e-mails from listeners demanding that Artie stop telling his Norm stories. Howard also got to a letter from a fan who wanted Robin to stop reading child abuse stories during her news, but she insisted she didn’t go out of her way to put such stories in her news segment, as Howard claimed she did.

Howard said the standings in the football pool were getting tighter, and the contestants made these picks:

• Crazy Alice, 6-6, who began her conversation by asking “Ms. Junkie Lange” how many “d*cks he sucked during Thanksgiving,” which, of course, led to their weekly shouting match, picked the Dallas Cowboys, who were giving four points to the New York Giants.

• Elegant Elliott Offen, who is now catching up to Alice at 5-7, wanted a “double promotion” this morning because the show was on vacation this past week, a request Howard denied. He went on to offer Alice $12,500 – half of the $25,000 money the winner of the pool will get – if he won, and that both would then give $500 of their winnings to Big Foot. Although Howard said he thought the idea was nice, he refused to get Alice back on the line so Elliott could discuss the matter with her, and Elliott began screaming as a result. Because Elliott wouldn’t stop yelling about not being able to talk to Alice on the air, Howard said he couldn’t “deal” with him, and hung up before he got to his bet.

• Big Foot, 4-6-2, went with the New England Patriots, who were giving 14.5 points to the Detroit Lions. As Big Foot was saying goodbye, an unidentified woman got on the phone and announced where he was living.

• Artie chose the Denver Broncos, who were giving the Seattle Seahawks “a field goal,” which he explained was “gangster talk” for three points.

• Elliott then called back and picked the Miami Dolphins in their game against the Jacksonville Jaguars with an even line.

Howard took a call from Armani, a woman who makes custom-made pornos for people. Armani explained how customers write to her company to tell them what they want in their video – including outfits, scenarios and dialogue – and she fulfills their fantasies and charges them accordingly. Armani mentioned she gets some strange fetish video requests as well, specifically recalling one recently from a man who wanted her in a bikini and using the f-word while ironing. After hearing how the business worked, Howard asked Armani if she’d be in a video starring Beetlejuice and Big Foot, who’d be playing Al-Qaeda operatives in it, and have sex with them in order to prevent a terrorist attack, all of which she agreed to do.

Ultimate Fighting Championship fighter, Tito Ortiz, came into the studio to talk about his career, especially his upcoming December 30th Light Heavyweight title bout against Chuck Liddell, and his love life. Tito said no one has ever died in a UFC match, and added this was because there is always a referee in the ring to make sure no one is seriously harmed, and that fighters had the option of “tapping out.” Tito went on to say he once knocked out an opponent 29 seconds into their match, and that he never experienced a “terrible beating” of his own.

Tito reported he wrestled in college, and trained six-to-eight hours a day six days a week. Despite his regimen, Tito claimed he was worried about getting out of shape, noting he liked going to Las Vegas quite a bit. Tito then mentioned Jenna Jameson contacted him through MySpace earlier this year, and that they started dating after she attended one of his fights. Tito proceeded to claim he was never intimidated by Jenna’s sex life, and added that, although he was in love with her, he didn’t plan on tying the knot anytime soon seeing as he had just gotten out of a seven-year marriage.

Howard wondered if Jenna brought women into bed for Tito, but he said she hasn’t. In fact, Tito also reported that Jenna wasn’t doing porn anymore either, a fact which he took into consideration when they first started dating. Tito added he knew Jenna was “clean,” and that he didn’t wear a condom when they had sex. When Howard asked Tito if Jenna was on birth control, he responded he thought she was, but that he wouldn’t have a problem having kids with her if she wasn’t.

Tito said both his parents became addicted to heroin when he was 6 years old, and that he was “amazed” he was still alive after all he endured with them. Tito then remembered watching both his parents shoot up in front of him, which he acknowledged he’ll never forget. Tito also noted he had “hatred” toward his father, but that he and his mother had reestablished their relationship in recent years. Tito added he introduced his mom to Jenna two weeks ago, while acknowledging he might contact his father in the near future so they could straighten out their difficulties.

Although Tito was now clean, he acknowledged he used to use drugs himself, but it was his parents’ negative example and witnessing a friend of his get shot in a drug deal that made him quit that lifestyle. Tito then reported he was in a gang at the time as well, and was only able to leave the gang after being beaten up by his former fellow gang members. Tito proceeded to insist he never physically harmed anyone as a gang member, with stealing being the worst crime he ever committed.

Tito admitted he cried before each of his bouts, and that he figured it was a way of releasing the fear from his body. Tito next commented he was an emotional person in every aspect of his life, mentioning he even wept when he watched “Forrest Gump.” As Tito discussed his training and eating habits, Robin asked him to remove his shirt, which he did. Tito then mentioned he had a 4-year-old son, and “pled the Fifth” when Howard asked if either he or Jenna was into “tossing salad.”

After Angry Black called in to claim he could beat Tito in a fight, he responded he was used to such challenges, but he never took them seriously. Tito added he felt he could defeat Chuck Zito, who has announced he plans on joining the UFC, in a fight in “five seconds,” also insisting Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis wouldn’t last much longer in the ring with him either. Scott Ferrall then called in to ask Tito to be sure to bring Jenna with him to their interview later tonight and mentioned he would have a world exclusive interview with Choppers Inc. owner, Billy Lane about his involvement in an automobile accident that took the life of another man.

Katt Williams, a comedian known for his frequent use of the n-word in his act, came into the studio. After listening to part of Katt’s routine – which was about getting shot – he mentioned every joke he told was true. Although he considered himself lucky that he was only shot in the thigh, he added he felt unlucky that he was shot in the first place. Katt went on to say he thought all comedians who were speaking badly about Michael Richards were “wrong,” pointing out what he did was the ultimate form of being a “gangster” seeing as he used the n-word in front of black people. Katt also noted he’d have the obligation to hit Michael if he ever saw him face to face, but that he still supported his right to say whatever he wanted to say on the stage.

Howard got to a clip of Katt using the word “niggerdom” during one of his routines, which Robin noted was a brand new word. Katt also thought the “funniest thing he’d ever heard” was that Paul Mooney was claiming he would stop using the n-word because of Richards’ use of it – wondering how he could use a word in his act for 25 years and then stop after one white guy uses it in his. Howard then predicted Paul would resort to using the n-word again in a month, while Robin also felt it was too much part of his act for him to drop it.

Howard brought up that Katt was scheduled to be on the show two weeks ago, but they had to reschedule his appearance because he was arrested at the airport for carrying a gun. Katt explained the gun he had wasn’t operable, and that he had asked his driver to take it to his house to put it away following a visit to the shooting range, only to discover the driver had accidentally placed it into one of the bags he was taking on the plane instead. Because of this, and the fact that airport officials were nice to him throughout the ordeal, Katt acknowledged he wasn’t mad at the situation. Katt added he considered himself “really, really blessed,” and he chalked up the incident to him being “stupid.”

Katt said he sometimes carried a good deal of cash when he was on the road, which he noted was the reason he resorted to protecting himself with guns. In fact, Katt claimed he once encountered seven gunmen who wanted to rob him in a hotel in Cleveland, and that he wore a bullet-proof vest every day to protect himself. Katt proceeded to say he could face three-to-five years in jail over his latest arrest, although he said he hoped he’d get an understanding judge for the case.

Katt mentioned he had eight kids – ranging in age from 18 months to 11 years old – and that seven of them were adopted. Katt then said he made promises to himself about what he’d do for people if he ever made it in comedy, and that was the reason he had so many children in his life.

Ralph called in and said he thought Katt wouldn’t have to worry about getting shot if he “played down” his lifestyle, but Katt responded it was “a treacherous road,” and that he needed to be himself when dealing with his fans. Katt also mentioned the people who have attempted to rob him weren’t fans who attended his concerts, but were instead people who knew about his wealth and followed him to rob him.

Cabbie then got on the line and asked Katt if he thought there was “black celebrity justice going on,” claiming someone like Wesley Snipes didn’t go to jail for tax evasion, even though he got locked up for the same charge himself. However, Artie told Cabbie, if Wesley wasn’t going to do time, he believed the reason was because, unlike him, he agreed to pay his back taxes, while Robin added she thought “black justice” was when African Americans got in trouble for things they didn’t do.

Mike Walker of the National Enquirer called in for this week’s round of The Gossip Game. According to the game’s rules, Mike tells four gossip stories, only three of which are allegedly true. Everyone then tries to guess which of the stories is the false one. Here are the stories Mike offered this morning:

(1) Whoopi Goldberg got mad at Robin Williams for doing improv during the most recent Comic Relief concert.

(2) Justin Timberlake’s housekeeper hurt her wrist and he hired a housekeeper for her while she recuperated.

(3) Lindsay Lohan spit food out of her mouth at a restaurant.

(4) Paul McCartney and Alec Baldwin talked about their divorces backstage at a recent taping of “Saturday Night Live.”

When Howard, Robin, Artie and Fred all picked the first story as the imposter, Mike revealed no one was correct because the untrue report was the Justin Timberlake story.

Howard got to another contest, The Big Foot Game, where a caller had to decide if Big Foot knew the answers to these questions, best out of five:

• What color is a lemon? The caller guessed Big Foot would know the answer, but he responded, “A lemon is green.”

• On what day of the week does Thanksgiving fall? The caller said Big Foot would get the correct answer of Thursday, and he did.

• What airborne creature carries the West Nile virus? Big Foot replied, “Columbia,” not mosquitoes, so the caller got that answer correct as well.

• In what city is the Eiffel Tower located? The caller said he didn’t think Big Foot would know the answer was Paris, and he was right when he answered, “Rome.”

When the game was over, Sal stormed into the studio and accused Gary of going against his word concerning a different game they created involving the Big Foot questions as well as questions posed to Beetlejuice. Gary then said Sal approached him with the new game just minutes before Howard asked for the game, so, because he hadn’t reviewed the new bit, he suggested he use The Big Foot Game instead. Gary added he felt Sal was merely looking for attention with his complaints, and Robin noted she’d already tuned out of the argument.

Before Robin got to her news, Howard played voicemails Jeff the Drunk left for him. In the calls, Jeff claimed Howard had been ignoring him ever since he got his job at a grocery store, while also insisting he was more entertaining than Big Foot. Howard replied to the clips by saying he didn’t think Jeff was as good as Big Foot at the moment, which was the reason he preferred to have him on the program.

• A woman claims she can decipher “baby talk.”

• A child foiled a robbery when he put on his Mighty Morphin Power Ranger costume.

• Sacha Baron Cohen and his girlfriend got engaged.

• A Pepsi executive was fired for giving $30,000 to a woman who intended to extort money from him.

• Sophia Coppola gave birth to her first daughter.

• Nicole Kidman was the highest-paid actress this year.

• Today is National Methamphetamine Awareness Day.

• World AIDS Day will be marked tomorrow.

• George Pataki has called the shooting of Sean Bell “excessive.”

• President Bush has called Iraq’s prime minister the “right guy” for the job.

• Snoop Dogg was arrested on a number of charges following his appearance on “The Tonight Show” earlier this week.

• Members of Al-Qaeda are upset with how well the pope’s visit to Turkey has gone.

• The lead singer of the Wiggles quit the band.